A ramble of a blog

Some might say that the choice I am about or rather have made. For a while now, more so since my surgery, I have been feeling like I needed to make some changes in my life. More specifically, letting go of certain people in my life that are not; in all honesty, healthy for me and my well-being.

Moving on, things with Steve are great. We've had a few learning moments but that is what happens with a new relationship. You are learning about yourself with a new person and a new person in how their lives are. Of course, Steve and I had our learning moment as friends but now we are more than just friends and learning the romantic side of things or the lack of a better way of putting. We are learning how to love each other as people, friends and, life mates. It's a test at times for me because I have only known those guys that just do not make good boyfriends and Steve well, he is on the other end of the spectrum to where I need to almost learn that he is not like the rest and that I can truly believe everything he says and does. And that there is nothing I cannot tell him and he will accept it and help me when I need it.

I am not sure if this ramble made any sense but there it is....

I am Thankful....

...for God and all that He is in my life. Without Him I am truly nothing.
...for my family. They give me the ability to believe in myself when I forget how to. I love them very much.
...for my friends. New and old friends show me so much. They show me what is real and what is not so real in friendship.
...for my little animal children. They love me unconditionally without a doubt.
...for my other family (Steve's Family). Although we have yet to really get to know each other, I know that one day we will have a bond that will be unbreakable.
...for the my niece Ava and Nephews, Cole and Wyatt. They give me every reason in the world to believe in life and miracles.
...for my boyfriend/future husband, Steve. I never thought I would find a real man who believes in life, love and, more importantly God. He gives me every reason to believe.

Attempting to waste time...

I sit here is a very blah mood. I am trying not to be so blah but you see the thing is, I am not having very much success. Today as much as I could I tried to keep busy. That's been somewhat difficult because of my current situation, I gots me a bum leg and I can't get around very well. While I am better than I was, I still have a long way to go before I am better completely. I cleaned today and put away clean laundry. That took me a few hours and then by the time I was done with all of that, I decided to get myself a shower; which is a feat in and of itself. Then by the time I got that done, Mom came home and we had a small birthday thing and watched some re-runs of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition for a few hours.

Now I am here. It's nearing 11pm and I am going stir crazy. I've been in this position 2 other times and let me tell you, it still sucks. As I stated above, it's hard to get around. I have to wear this knee emobilizer. It is not only the most uncomfortable thing that I can think of in the world at this moment but it's the most incredibly annoying thing in the world at this moment too. Now this one is way better than the first two I had for my other surgeries but it's still annoying and uncomfortable. It slides down as I am walking so I have to try and take smaller strides and move slower. This has helped but it still slides down or gets all crooked like. It's just flat out annoying.

I am trying to hang on until I can see Steve again. It's driving me nuts!!!! I knew I would miss him but I honestly didn't think I would miss him this much. You know it makes me think about past relationships. I never missed my now exes like I miss Steve. It's weird in a way. But I know it's because I finally found real love. It's amazing. I look at him and I know like I did the first day I saw him after 7 years of not seeing each other, that he was the one that God had made for me. For the 6 months that we were in friends only/kinda dating mode, I told myself that he probably doesn't see me any other way but as a friend. But I recently found out that he would want to ask me out but would back down the moment he felt what he felt. He said this happened 3 different times. He said, "Then I just finally couldn't hold back anymore."

Ok, I think I better end this babble fest and call it a night. Maybe tomorrow will be a faster day than today was or at least the way it felt.

The Birthday Blog

So tomorrow (November 24th) is my birthday. To be exact it is my 31st birthday. I am not sure how to feel about it. This is for a few different reasons.

1) I am turning 31....who wants to get older???

2) My boyfriend, Steve is not here to celebrate it...he is in Louisanna for the holiday and as it with my current condition could not travel with him.

3) I am not into birthdays much anymore...

I don't know, I guess it's a "getting older" thing. I am trying to look at it as a new beginning. A new year to make my life better, myself a better person and, all that comes with new beginnings. So with that said, Happy Birthday to me!

3rd Times The Charm???

Ok, so I am finally able to see here long enough to update my blog and fill you in on why I asked for prayers. Holloween night, I was helping my sis in law with the kids because my brother was not home from work yet. We had just gotten to the 1st house and were about to leave for our next stop, that's when it happened. I felt myself about to fall and because I had Ava in my arms, I did everything I could to take the brunt of the fall. Before I continue, a little background...

About 10+ years ago, I injured myself by falling on some ice. I dislocated my knee and that is when all the troubles began. Since then I have had 2 surgeries, both of which did nothing to help my knee from dislocating. Ok, so now that you are filled in on that; I will go on.

So, Holloween night; we had just left the house and gotten to our first house of the night. Ava and Cole are still very young to understand trick or treating, so being me I was doing all I could to help Courtney with the kids until Jeremy got home from work, hoping he wouldn't miss what was left of the evening. Ava and I stared to walk down the steps of our first stop. She is a little slow at going up and down the stairs, so I decided I would pick her up and get her down the stairs quicker so that the other little ones in the neighborhood could get to the door for their candy. I was on the last step when I felt my knee cap come out of place. I could then feel myself start to loose my balance. Because Ava was in my arms, I didn't want to drop her and have her hurt. So, I grabbed for the railing more than I had my hand on it originally and slowly took myself down to the ground. I set Ava down and immediately straigtend out my leg to put my knee cap back in place. Instantly I knew it was bad when I could barely move; or for that matter get up. The ambulance was called and I was headed to the ER.

Now we are here. I am set for reconstructive surgery on Monday the 10th and I am praying that the 3rd time is the charm. I mean that is the saying, right? And things usually go right on the 3rd try, right? So that is why I asked for prayers.

Thank you all.

Asking for Prayers...

I really don't have much time to go into great details. But if you could please pray for me. Thanks!

New Things...

Ok, so my last posting was a little silly I suppose but I was too stinkin' excited. I can't explain these feelings. Those that are with the one that God had just for them knows where I am coming from with this.

Steve gives me this feeling of belonging, love and, feeling complete with my other half. I am not sure if this makes sense but this how I am feeling. 6 months ago, if someone were to ask me where I thought things were going with Steve and I, I would have said something like, "I really don't know. I hope for the best but I really can't say." Now as I look back, I am thankful for the time we took to get to know each other and learn about each other before jumping head long into a relationship. I know that Steve wanted to make sure that we would be making the right choice. I felt the same way with a few moments of admittedly wanting more than what we had but knowing that if I just gave a little more in the patience department I would possibly get what I wanted. *Thankfully it went the way I hoped for...lol*

Anyway, there are new things coming our way. Things that, as I told Steve, I would have to get used to because of well my not so great track record of dating, dumb guys lol!

It's Official!!!!!

Steve is no longer my friend boy....that's right! He is now my BOYFRIEND!!!!!!! Can we say, "YAY!"

The Results Are In...

So, I got a phone call the other day. My biopsy results showed that everything is normal. To say the least I am happy to know that I am a-ok. But for at least the next 2 years I will have to be watched and instead of once a year I will have to have my womanly exams done 2 times a year. Not really looking forward to that but I would rather deal with that than have cervical cancer.

On to other things going on...I'm in the process of looking for a joby, job. I would like to put my degree to work. I'm hoping soon to find something...the sooner, the better.

Welp, I think that is all for now.

He calls me, "Super Woman"...

*Blogger Disclosure* If you can't handle personal and delicate information, this blog is not for you.

Today was my medical procedure. A procedure that I had, had once before; years ago but for some reason this one felt so different in the way of what I could almost know what it would be. Before I continue, I should go back a little and give you a background of things.

About 4 or 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with the HPV virus. I was told then that it was something that would have to be monitored for pretty much the rest of my life but that it wasn't something to be too concerned with because there are so many women out in the world that do not know they have it and because it is a virus, virus' like HPV have a chance to go away on their own with little to no concern but it still has to be watched because it can lead to cervical cancer. Well, unfortunately I was not monitored on a continuous basis because I could not afford to see my obgyn doc (I know, I know...not a good enough excuse but honestly, I just couldn't afford even the visit nevermind what would have to be done. Thank God for Dr. Hays now because she has said, no matter what I want to see you when I need to or even when I don't...your health is important and I will help any way I can; I digress). Skipping ahead to about July/August, I had some in between my period bleeding. I ended up going to the ER with really no clear answers until I got to see what would be my new obgyn. Turns out in between bleeding is not uncommon. So, my new doc decided she would give me a few weeks to recover so to speak from the ER visit and in between bleeding and then start fresh with my yearly exams since I haven't seen a gyno at that time in 4 or 5 years. I go in for my fresh start for yearly exams and everything seemed to be good. Dr. Hays tells me that if I don't hear from her 2 weeks from the day that I saw her I didn't have anything to worry about, that all was well. 2 weeks comes and sorta kinda goes without word. I think I thought too soon because it was 2 weeks and 1 day when she called me. She tells me that the pap came back negative and I need to come in for a procedure that I am very familiar with (I'm sorry but I'm drawing a blank on the whole medical procedure name but trust me when I say, not one woman wants to be on the receiving end of it).

Ok, so today was "D" day. I wake up, feeling ok but not really wanting it to be the day. I had asked Steve a few days ago if he would go with me and wait for me. He said he would. He could see that I was nervous, he kept calling me Super Woman; trying to get me to smile and not be so nervous. I tried to smile throughout the day while we waited to leave for my appointment but after the 3rd time of hearing Super Woman I finally told him that I can't be Super Woman today. He smiled and said, "We'll get through this no matter what it is."

So, we get there and for the most part I was strong in holding onto my tears...until that doctor came into the room and asked me how I was doing. I lost it. I love my doctor, although she is not much of hand holder and more of a straight shooter, I love her. Now this is where things get a little emotional for me...I am about to tell you what I learned but I won't be going into too much detail because I am still not ready to share everything.

The results of my pap smear that was done in August showed a low grade legion (I'm sure that I am spelling that wrong) on my cervix. She took a biopsy and as of right now it will be a waiting game for me. To say the least, I am trying my best to just give this all over to God and just allow whatever is going to be, to be. Steve kept telling me, if it is what it could be...again not ready to say it much...we will fight it. He said, "I got your back."

Yeah, today was stressful.

Blogging...Free Therapy

Yep! I done did it...and I honestly never meant to or thought I ever would do such a thing. I guess all those emergencies finally caught up to me, along with needing a little extra of this or that over the last few months. It shook me up a little bit because I have never done it before I didn't know if that meant that I would have to pay in full on the bill or what...I know, I know I wasn't thinking very clearly on that one but again, I never did this before. I guess this gives me the whole new meaning to the phrase, "Live and Learn".

To say the least, I am stressed out. On top of this whole maxing out my one and only credit card, I am facing a very unwanted and kind of scary medical procedure tomorrow (which I will explain in another blog, it makes me cry just to think about it but once I know more I will give more details). People are telling me not to worry or be scared but I can't help it. I am human after all. I am just trying not to think too much about it. I had a cry fest in the shower over it...hopefully that cry fest will be the one and only one I have about it.

I am trying to keep my wits about me and just give it all to God. I mean what else can I do...right? It helps to know that I have people praying for me.

Enough of that...let's move onto something else...



There's my Steve. I thought it has been a while.

Things with Steve are good. Kind of progressing. I say kind of because we are still in the friends/semi-dating mode of things, i.e. getting to know each other and taking things as they come. We were talking about it the other night and while I am liking where things are and where things appear to be going, I am really wishing it would move a little more into the committed place. Not that we are not committed now, we are just committed in a different way. It's kind of hard to explain. Steve and I understand where and what we are. I guess that is all that matters, right?

Anyway, we are planning a trip to Canada in a few weeks or so before I start working in a full time job. He has a friend there that just had a baby and he wants to go visit them; he wants me to meet her and her boyfriend as well as them to meet me. It should be fun because I have never been to another part of the world like Canada. I am looking forward to it and I believe it will be a good test of sorts for Steve and I. You see we will be driving there and well, I don't know about other couples but something happens when you are in a car for longer than an hour or two with your significant other. I think we will be ok because of how well we get along and work together. I think that is why we get along so well...he helps me and I help him. He teaches me and I teach him. We go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly...we just work.

Well, I need to get to bed...tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Plea to God

The picture you see above is of Steve and I in Old Colorado City, Colorado. It was one of many that were taken while in Colorado for my graduation.

Dear God....

I cannot express my thoughts or feelings right now. They are so jumbled up, I cannot make heads or tails of it. You see as recently as 2 weeks ago or there abouts, Steve and I unbeknowest to us, grew closer together intimately....*with words*...I should be clear about that because he and I both are sustaining ourselves until marriage...regardless of it is us together or separate with other people. Anyway, since that night, my spirit has been crying out for him; really seeing things without the blinders on and knowing the truth about who he is and his life as he knows it and has apparently always known it. And then last night, another blow was thrown his way. I cannot get into details but it's bad from what I know. And all I can keep thinking is..."Dear God! He cannot take anymore" I see it in his eyes...it breaks my heart.

I have been praying and praying; evening stopping what I am doing to pray for him and this situation that he finds himself in.

It saddens me that I know what I know and cannot do a little about it. I feel helpless.

Please God allow me to be used in this situation. Somehow and someway. I love you! Amen!

Help Wanted??? Pretty Please???

I am looking or at least attempting to look for a specific poster print that Steve has been searching for, for forever. I decided last night that if I can find it, it would be the perfect Christmas present for him. BUTTTTT......

I am having no luck finding it. Does anyone have or know of anyone who knows of a website that they can get rare, out of print...etc. poster prints? I am not sure of the name of the print or even the artist but I can best describe that poster print like this....

It's part of the cross and there is a letter nailed to it written in red letters. It says something like, "I have gone to prepare a place for you. I will return soon. Love, God" or something like that.

I have looked all over the net and to no avail have I found this print. Someone....anyone...can you please help a sister out??? LOL!!!

I feel pretty....oh so pretty....

I decided I would treat myself to something I have not had in a very long time.

I feel pretty...oh so pretty

It's feelin' a little weird but it's all good!

Long time no blog....

Well, I thought it was time to blog since I haven't blogged in like forever...so; here I go!

First, my first plane trip went pretty good. I don't like the take off or the landing but I do not mind the actual trip. And I do believe I have gotten over my fear of heights. On top of that, graduation went well too. With the exception of the blisters I sustained from the tortuous contraptions I wore, otherwise known as heels; it was a great trip and graduation altogether.

I think that the best part was having two very important people there with me, Mom and Steve. My brother, Jeremy and his wife, Courtney could not go because of money issues as well as having 2, 2 year olds and Courtney being preggers. It would not have been a good thing even it would have been great to have everyone that I love there. Steve really made the plane ride much better for me. He was so great. But for him, thought he didn't complain one time, I know he was wondering what he got himself into. LOL! As tall as he is, the plane ride for him was a little uncomfortable. Not to mention that he had worked the night before we left and we had to leave at 2 in the morning on Thursday. He was tired but as I said, never complained once. I told Mom, chivalry is not dead. He made sure that Mom and I were safe and always the gentleman in every sense of the word. I am so blessed with this man in my life and can only hope that he will always be in my life.

Moving on to life since we have returned from Colorado. I had an interesting night to say the least. Have you ever known someone you love but can't stand at times? I have such a person in my life. While I love her and will do just about anything for her, I sometimes cannot stand her. Take tonight for example. Every Tuesday we attend bible study. Now when I say we, I mean me; her Mom and, herself. Each week we look to take turns in driving because of gas prices and well, it's just common sense. Well, 2 weeks ago; I took my turn and then last week her mom took her turn and drove to bible study but then afterwards, she offered to drive home. I suppose she thought that, that was considered to be her turn. Her mom reminded her that she offered to drive home in her mom's car without a fuss. Now I am not one to make a mountain out of a mole hill but this girl lost her ever lovin mind. She flipped the heck out and started making a HUGE deal about driving to church for bible study. This was after I told her that next week was my week, which was my way of reminding her that this was her week to drive. And you know she knew it. Anyway, the whole way to church she is fumming and driving like a mad woman on a rampage. And then as soon as we got to church her mood changed. She was sweet as pie and had not a care in the world. She drives home as if nothing happend and the whole time all I can do is quietly sit and text Steve. All he could say was, as soon as you get home let me know you are safe...which I did. I still have no idea what that was or what even happend.

Now you are probably thinking, "How can you be friends with this person? Nevermind best friends?" Well, to tell you the whole the truth; I have to some extend separated myself from her as much as I can without causing too much of an issue out of it. I may have to do a little more work in that department...at least from what I saw tonight.

Moving on...

I can't believe that in less than 2 months I am going to be meeting my new nephew, Wyatt. Saturday is the baby shower, so you know I am running around like a one legged man in a butt kicking contest...LOSING! LOL!!! Tomorrow though is my day with Steve. He needs to use my computer and then we are spending the afternoon together because the rest of the week will be crazy crazy busy.

So I think that is all for now. I am pretty much caught up with everything that is and has been going on. Til next time...Peace, Love and, Chicken Grease!!!

No Sleep

It's nearing 5am on Thursday morning. I should be asleep and I was up until about an hour ago but for some reason I am awake; don't ask me why? So I thought I would blog or something like it.

I am one week away from getting on a plane for the first time ever in my 30 years of living. I am graduating from college with my bachelor's of science in business administration with a concentration in health care management. To the least I am nervous. I am not nervous to graduate. I am nervous about being on a plane. Steve said I could hold his hand, just as long as I don't break his hand. LOL! I told him that I couldn't make any promises but I will try not to.

On that note, I made a decision last week that I have complete peace about. I have decided to not continue on with the master's degree program. Even with the grant they would be giving me, it wouldn't be worth it monetary wise. They would have only given me $2,000 in grant money and I would then in turn have to pay back $15,000; of which I do not have and do not wish to owe at this time. Now I know that I could work and do the program but I cannot get the thought of paying that much money back versus the money that I was going to get. It's a bit of a disappointment but at the same time as my sis in law said, I wasn't planning on doing the master's program so it's not like I am going to be completely disappointed.

So now with that decision made, I am in search of a job in my field of study. I am praying and believing God will provide that job to me sooner rather than later. With that said, I can already feel God at work. I just need to get on the ball with Him in this journey. I am planning on this once I get back from Colorado. With everything behind me, I know I will not be waiting too long for a good paying, great bennies and, hours job.

On to something else. I have been thinking about this situation that I find myself in from Sunday. Mom says I should speak with the person. But in all honesty, I know that talking to them would make no difference because they are who they are and the only being that can change them is God Himself. I say that because I have tried to speak with this person before about a different situation that they put me in and it did not do much good. So, I pretty much have decided that I am going to leave this person alone about this situation and try to move on and while I do that; I will pray for her. It's all I can do, right?

Well, I am going to try and lay back down again. I am feeling tired, so maybe I will have some luck in sleeping through the rest of the morning.

Friendship

I find this word hard to think about. I am not even sure what it means anymore. You see something was said about me behind my back by someone I never thought would ever say something negative like what she said. And on top of that, when something great happened to me yesterday, this person didn't even clap for me.

I have always been there for this person and always celebrated even the smallest feat for this person. I don't get it and I am not even sure how to deal with it.

This is for April

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die...
1. Have a job in a medical environment with amazing benefits that can only come from God
2. Bring at least 1 person to Christ
3. Meet a man who is completely God's gift to me (I know you must be thinking what happened to Steve? He is still in the picture but at the moment the picture is getting blurry)
4. Have at least 1 child of my own
5. Be able to give my Mom back at least half of all she has given to me
6. Give a large amount of money to someone who is in great need and then tell them to pay it forward (yes, I know it comes from the movie but if ya saw the movie you would agree that it is something everyone should want to do)
7. Be free financially

7 Things I Can Do...
1. Be a good Aunt to Ava, Cole and, in 3 months Wyatt
2. Bake
3. Be there for my family and friends when in need
4. Sleep (I most definitely can do that too!)
5. Create (I do this good too...it relaxes me)
6. Gain better perspectives from other people about topics of discussions that I do not understand
7. Being fun

7 Things I Can Not Do...
1. Sing very well...I'm not great but I'm not bad either
2. Stop overthinking....this is a major habit of mine
3. More crafty things...limited space
4. Be mean...I can be but I cannot be mean on purpose
5. Make someone feel ignored
6. Wait for certain people...I get impatient...but I am working on it
7. Be without my family and friends

7 Things That Attracted Me To My Hubby...(Not married but I will answer these about the man God has for me...whether it is Steve or someone else)
1. His kindness (although lately, I have been feeling ignored)
2. His ability to make people feel good
3. I can trust him
4. His desire to better himself
5. I can see a future with him (Not sure if he sees it though)
6. His ability to fix anything
7. He has shown me my self worth

7 Things I Say Most Often
1. I lub you
2. Whatever
3. Don't know, don't care
4. God Bless America (my nice version of saying the God *beep* it) I don't like the GD word at all!
5. Moron!
6. UM! HELLO!!! (This is usually said when I am driving and someone decides to be stupid and cut me off or whatever)
7. CRAP!

7 Celebrity Crushes...(Not sure if I have 7 but I will try)
1. Joey McIntyre (Yes, I know...New Kids On The Block...but he is still HAWT)
2. Paul Walker (The Fast and The Furious, Joy Ride)
3. Clint Eastwood (He is old I know but he is still nice to look at)
4.
5.
6.
7.

According to my instructions, I am now supposed to tag 7 friends. I don't know 7 people on here and the one that I do know, already did this.

The Untitled Blog

I'm feelin' kinda lost. While things with Steve are progressing, I can't help but wonder; will we make it? Lately he has been crazy busy with working 2 jobs, one of which is not stable in so far as having a consistent schedule and the other is just plain and simple crazy hours. On top of this he is always doing something for someone he knows and/or his family. I try to be as understanding as but to be honest behind closed doors sometimes understanding goes out the window and I become this puddle of mush, i.e. missing him, feeling like a bother if I text him so I don't text him if I can help it and, did I mention missing him? Also I try never to be the selfish type but again, behind closed doors I will think to myself, "It's not fair, I haven't seen him in ex amount of days..." blah, blah, blah.

Now added to this list is knowing that eventually he will be going back to Texas for 2 years to complete his certification as a master machanic. This is where most of the wondering if we will make it comes from.

Earlier this evening, after having dinner with Mom, I stopped by one of his jobs to find out if we were still on for taking care of some car things for his car tomorrow; which I kinda figured we wouldn't be because he is a perfectionist when it comes to cars and he wants to make sure he does a little more work on his car before we do anything else car related outside of him doing certain things for himself. Somehow we got on the topic of him not having anything to eat all day. When I found out why I changed that pretty quickly. Anyway, at one point to prove a point I was trying to make he said something that didn't sit right with me. After going back out to get him taken care of with getting him food, I flat out asked him what he meant.

You see last week he told me that we were dating. We aren't quite boyfriend/girlfriend but we are not just friends. We are still taking things as they come, getting to know who we are individually and together. Then tonight he said something sounded like it was the complete opposite. As it turns out, I just needed to listen closer to understand what he was saying. This is what got me to thinking more about the will we make it stuff.

I know what God brings together only God can take apart, I guess I just feel so unsecure right now because he is not very expressive in his thoughts. Of course, I know men will never be like us women in that department. As my Mom said, "You don't know what he could be thinking or feeling about or for you, Becky. This could be as hard on him emotionally as it is you with not being able to be with you as much as he may want and then having the idea of going back to Texas." She is right, I know she is...I just wish I could know his thoughts and feelings; at least then I would know a little more than I do.

If any of this makes any sense???

The "In Between"

Ok, so a few days ago or maybe it's been about a week by now; I went over to spend a little bit of time with my best friend and her fiancee' Mike. It was good for the most part. Now before I say anything more, I want to say that I do love her very much but sometimes she gets on my last ever loving nerve. With that said, I will continue.

As those few of you that read my blogs are aware of I have been seeing this guy I call my friend boy, Steve. Ever since we stated that there is a little more between us than just friendship, Kellie has been asking me if things have changed. Well, the other night when I went over to her house, I told her that Steve and I are not just friends but we are not quite boyfriend and girlfriend. We are dating. She tells me, that there is no in between. Of course instead of getting into anything, I just told her that where Steve and I are is where we are comfortable and we agree that taking things slow and as they come is what is best for us because as we have discovered, he has made the same dating/relationship mistakes as I have and we both want to do things right. Over time we will see if it going to be something more and in the mean time we are putting God first. Besides that, I am still in school and he is going to be going back to Texas some time after Christmas to complete his schooling that he wasn't able to finish a few years ago due to unforeseen issues that brought him back here. In my personal opinion though, I believe that him seeing me get my bachelor's and now moving on to get my master's has lit a fire under his butt to want to make himself a better man and I am all for that.

The one thing that I don't understand and why some people can't respect what Steve and I have. We care about each other, are there for each other as much as possible and, we are on the same page as life together is concerned. I guess maybe some things are better left just not understanding.

I'm not...

I’m not…

I’m not perfect. In fact I am as close to imperfect as one woman can get,
I’m not what I want to be; on that you can place any bet but I am who I am meant to be and that’s one thing you must never forget.

I’m not skinny like most I know; I’m not tall or short. I’m what I call a “happy medium” something different and rare; it’s ok if you feel the need to stare. I’m not always the best at being positive but I sure do give it a try. Please don’t shed a tear, I can’t stand to see people cry; least of all for me, I am who I am and it’s all I can be.

I’m not great at hiding my feelings or so I have been told, I’ve tried over and over again; I think it’s time to get a new trick, this one is…well, getting old. I’m not very well cordinated and sometimes I just lose all control but I am always true to myself deep down in my soul.

© August 24, 2008

My Little Man....

Just a quick request to pray for my little man, Cole. My nephew had eye surgery today. He is not in extreme pain but enough. Please pray for comfort and healing.

Thank you!

PS: I don't have a picture of her but can you also pray for my sis in law's grandma. She had a mini stoke yesterday. She is going to into a rehab place tomorrow. Thank you again!

With Praise....

....in other words, Cum Laude. That is what it means to graduate with this honor; and that is what I am graduating with!!! I could not believe my eyes. I mean I knew it was a chance but was not 100% sure it would happen.

In other news...

Steve and I are progressing nicely. With a minor issue this afternoon that was neither his or my fault. He parked in the wrong place where he lives (planning to move it once he got done taking things into his place from his car) and got his car, which still technically is my car by the fact that he has not paid for it completely, towed. We didn't fight, which strangely I was prepared for but it didn't happen; we worked it out. I knew it wasn't his fault (because of the stupid rules that his complex has over the parking situation) and he knew that it would stress me out a bit trying to figure out where the car was and all that not so fun stuff; because of his hearing impairment, which we did. Suffice it to say, this was a nice but in a craptastic way of finding out that we can handle something that neither of us had much control over and needed to work through.

So that is my life since I last blogged. I hope all had a good weekend and will have a pleasant week to come.

I gave him my secret...

...but it was not much of a secret. He apparently already knew how I felt, he was just waiting for me to tell him. He wanted to hear it from me.

So, I went to see Steve yesterday afternoon. While we were hanging out, he tells me that he is planning on going back to Texas for school. I tried to keep my cool but of course he sees straight through that. He knows too well but of course I am not complaining about it. Anyway, he tells me he knows what I am thinking and after a little while I told him he was right, I don't want him to go. We got into a text-versation and after he telling me what it mean to and for him, he asked me what I thought. I told him the truth; I told him that I won't ever stop him from living his dreams and that I want to see him better himself but that I have so many other thoughts going through my mind. I had bible study last night so the text-versation had end for a bit but I told him I would text him later after everything was done. My best friend, Kellie and her mom told me I should just tell him how I was feeling but to be honest, I wasn't sure that I could.

After bible study, I dropped Kellie and her mom off at their house and went over the see Steve at work. I had made a cake for my bible study group in celebration of completing the Bachelor's Degree Program and thought I would share some with Steve and his work friends. Anyway, we sat down while he ate his piece of cake and he asked me what was going through my mind. He asked if I had concerns, I told kind of but not about him. More about us. That was hard because the moment I said it, I started to cry. I told him that when I first met him 7 years ago, I knew he was someone special and that the one I regret when I left the church we both attended and met at, was not staying in touch with him. I went on to tell him that I felt like us reuniting was God giving us a second chance and that I never thought I would have that with him. He said, I had faith that we would meet again one day and we did. Then I told him that since us spending time together and getting to know other, I realized through him what my self worth really is and that I don't want to lose him. He said, we will always be in each other's live; me in his and him in mine. Then I told him that there was something else I wanted to tell him. I tried very hard but kind resorted to writing it down. I will not say what I wrote because I cannot remember exactly what I wrote because so emotional. But suffice it say, he accepted what I wrote and said that he is happy to know where we stand. There was a bit of confusion but fortunately I was able to explain everything more clearly. I asked him if I was assuming right when I say, there is more here between us than friendship; he said yes but he wants to get his life in order before we get deeper into the relationship. He said, when I move which will not be for a little while, we will talk almost every day and we are going to make sure we have webcams so that we can see each other too.

I am not sure how to feel right now because I am happy and I am sad. I happy because I know that there is more and that he cares about me as much as I care about him. I am sad because I just found him again and when he moves he will be away for 2 years and it going to be so hard not to be able to see him and hug him. But I know God will sustain us. There is no doubt in my mind that God brought Steve and I together.

I can never stay mad at him...

I will make this entry short and sweet. All is right in the world. The HIM that was being spoken about, has made things better. It was kind of trival when I think about it. He honestly never means for things to happen the way they do when his plans or our plans don't go the way we plan them out and want them to be. I do need to learn to not be as upset/sad as I was about these kinds of things. After all, life happens and plans change; whether we like it or not. I could see it in his eyes that he had no intention of me being upset/sad. Thank God for being able to talk things out and not making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Pet Peeves

I've spent most of my weekend disappointed. Why? You might be asking. The reason, plans that were made on Monday for Saturday were not just canceled but totally taken away. Then after about a day or almost a day to get over this disappointment, I am faced with another bout of disappointment by the same person who stated they had one errand to run and then they would be coming over to see me. This was roughly 5 hours ago and I have yet to hear from this person to say something along the lines of, "Hey! Yeah, I know I said I was coming over but such and such came up" or "I'm really sorry, I will not be able to come over like I thought. I will get in touch with you another day." But did I get that??? NO! I am not mad per say but I am far from happy. This is just one of my pet peeves. Saying you are going to do something and totally bail out on me. But more than that, I really dislike not being given any kind of word as to what happened or if something came up.

Now before you say anything, I know that there may not be an opportunity for this person to get in touch with me. Ok, I will give you that. I always give just enough room for such reasons like the one stated above and even those that are completely in left field. However, after my first disappointment; adding this disappointment is like adding salt to an open wound, it's just not sitting well with me.

And I do not have one clue as to what to do about either of these disappointments because the person who bestowed these disappointments on me, is someone I know without a doubt would not do this on purpose; at least I hope I can believe that.

Oh! I better just shut this down now cause I am getting more and more tired which means becoming more and more cranky. I better go to bed or at least step away from the situation mentally as much as possible before I say or do something I will regret. Night.

He is....

...the cheese to my macaroni
...the peanut to my butter
...a friend and companion unlike no other

...the cream to my corn
...the ice to my tea
...a blessing that God has given to me

...the apple to my sauce
...the check to my mate
...another meaning to the word fate

Copyright, 2008

Electronic Pillow Talking

So, something; I am not sure what is changing between me and Steve. Or maybe it isn't something but maybe us changing. I don't know. But today the topic of conversation was our non-date date. I told him that I had talked about it with my sis in law, Courtney. He has been asking me about this since we went out and so it finally happened. Anyway, he proceeds to tell me that so many people seemed to be waiting for the juicy details. I told him probably. That was when it went on to kissing or rather "our first kiss". Can we say, "OH MY GOD!"??? Then he throws out his most favorite word to say to me..."Maybe"! He says this just when I think he is going to tell me something I have been waiting to hear for some time now. Moving on...I am truly blessed to have Steve in my life, he keeps me grounded and yet still I am able to think of the future with dreaming and hoping; with a little bit of laughter along the way.

Tick Tock!!!!

OMG!!!! Now let me say first and foremost that I am not surprised that I am feeling this way. Ok now that, that has been stated I can move on. I have had this feeling before but this time is extremely strong and I am not even sure why because I am no where close to being in this position. What is the feeling I am feeling you are asking? Well, I feel my biological clock tick tocking away. Yeah, crazy; right?

I know financially speaking I am not ready to have a child but I so can't wait emotionally to have a child. Watching my niece and nephew growing and changing every week, it amazes me. I know one day I will have one or maybe even two of my own.

Complicated???

Ok, so last night was great! He came and got me, told me to change into something nice but not too nice. I said, "ok?". So I went to my closet as he sat on a chair in my room and I took out 2 tops that I thought would be good. He had already seen me in one of the tops and so when I asked him which one he picked the one he had yet to see me in. When I asked him about pants he said the jeans I was wearing would be fine because where we were going was nice but not fancy. He knows me too well, of how simple I am, of course he is very simple too. So I changed my top, touched up my hair and threw on a little make up. I was feeling excited and beyond HAWT! LOL!!! I couldn't imagine where we were going or what we were doing.

While I was getting ready, he went out onto the balcony to smoke a cig, yes I know "he smokes, yuck!" I don't like it but feel I have said my peace about it and will leave the rest to God and him. Anyway, I get done dollin' myself up, I go to the back door and see that he is engrossed in his sidekick. He looks up, does a double take and says, "Wow! You look great!" I said, "I'm ready!" He gets up puts out his cig and then follows me back inside. I threw on my shoes and decided I wouldn't take my purse since I didn't know where we were going. He proceeds to tell me, "you don't need any money cause I am paying". *Side note: He has this big grin on his face because for the first time he will be taking some place I have never been before I won't have to help him pay, not that I mind helping anyone because that is just me.* I had to tell him in no uncertain terms that I just wanted to make sure I had my license and bank card in case I need it. I never leave home without it. I mean you never know what could happen, no matter how much cash one has.

So, there I am trying to get completely ready to go and he is tickling me...I swear ever since he found out how ticklish I am, he has had so much fun with this. Ok, back to my great nice with Steve. We leave, he's driving...we get closer to this place and I kind of figured it out but didn't say anything. We get inside and this place is beautiful for being a place that is nice but not fancy. To me it was kind of on the fancy side. I felt like a fish out of water. Of course I always feel that way when I am in a new place. Steve took me to Lemongrass and WOW! was the food great!!! I never had real Thai food before. I mean I had the "thai food" that grocery stores sell for a quick-heat-it-up-and-go meal but never the real thing. It was awesome. We are talking, laughing and, really having a great time. Then he tells me we are going to see a movie and its my choice. Ok so I know he is secretly hoping I pick one of the many movies that he has been dying to see. Of course of those movies I pretty much also want to see them but not as much as him. We ended up seeing The Dark Knight, which I highly recommend. It was a GREAT movie.

Now I am sure you are wondering where the complicated part comes into play...it will be coming in soon...trust me, just keep reading.

So, the movie ends and we head outside for him to have another cig. He asks if I am hungry or thirsty which is code for he is thirsty or hungry. I was feeling kind of thirsty so he suggests Starbucks, I was like wow! this is a treat! We head to Starbucks just in time to get a drink and sit for a bit to talk. Then he asks if there is any other place I would like to go, I told him I pretty much don't care and so then we head to Walmart. He ended up wanting to get this thing for his car radio.

We head back to my place and the whole time I am sitting there thinking, "God, this was so perfect; this night. Could it end with a kiss?" Sadly, it didn't. Now this is where it gets complicated.

On the way to my place, he asks me "do you remember when you said that you were afraid I would disappear after I got the car?" I said, I did; how could I forget? He said, "I told you, I would still be here." I wanted to cry, I am crying now just thinking about that. The reason? Well, because when he does or says such sweet things and then I don't hear from him like he said he would text me today and didn't, I grow doubtful of these thoughts that I have been having lately about us. I won't say what but let's just say, I feel it deep in my spirit something I have never felt before.

For me, I don't understand. I know, I know he is a guy and like most guys they go off in their world without much thought to anything else. But Steve is not like your typical guy, the proof is in the puddin' I am tellin' ya. So part of me is worried, even though I am sure he is fine and the other part is, well...asking, why is so complicated even though he is not a typical guy??? I mean, his actions speak louder than his words when he says that we are just friends for the time being. Seriously do just friends tickle and tease the way he tickles and teases me or the way I tease and try to tickle him but I end up just poking him or play grab at his butt and he doesn't push me away? I mean we haven't even kissed much less held hands. I will tell you that in the beginning he and I did kind of get into a playful cuddle fest thing but nothing like that since...sort of. See what I mean? COM-PLI-CA-TED!!! LOL!!!

Someone anyone give me a little insight or should I just let things be and continue to go with the flow???? Am I wrong in thinking that he likes me but is not ready to admit it??? I swear I feel like I am in high school all over again but not in a bad way, I actually like it...at least for now LOL!!!

It's a new month...

Where is the time going? I can't even believe that we are already into a new month. It seems just like yesterday that I was starting another year of college and learned that I am going to be aunt 3 times over. *Side Note: My sis in law, Courtney, felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday. Now it feels even more real to us all.*

I sit and think about the months that have passed and what has taken place over that time. It's hard to believe that another birthday will be in clear sight for me in 4 months. It's hard to believe that I am going to be graduating in a little over a month.

Do you ever feel like, life is going by so fast, that you wonder how much you missed of it? I do. In the times that I am doing something important or not so important, I wonder what I am missing, if anything? But that is in my opinion how life is at times. While you are still living life, you are also missing other parts of it.

I don't know where I am going with this, I guess more or less this was just a thought going through my head that needed to be written out.

I must be dreaming....

Ok! So I know that in this world and in the day and age that we are living in, things are going to happen that and many others are not going to agree with. I seriously think that I must have been dreaming when I read a report that states that OUR wonderful President has ok'd the execution of an Army soldier. Yeah! I read the report and I know what it says. But who on God's green earth died and left the president judge, jury and, executioner? Or better yet, who left him God?

Let me take a few steps back here...cause I know that this topic of discussion is going to get deep or can get deep depending on the people who are talking about it. I know this topic of discussion brings up more thoughts than just the fact the Bushy is using his power to kill a man and everything else in between. I really don't have too many thoughts on the dealth penalty because there are so many different circumstances that make different situations call for someone to die and others don't....it's a double-edged sword if you ask me.

I am not sure if I am making much sense here...I guess my main point that I am trying to make is how this is ok? Here is the report for those interested in knowing more...and maybe can understand my confusing soapbox vent.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080728/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_military_execution

Tattoos, School and, Everything else...

Life continues...

I am 19 er 18 days away from completing school. I still can't believe it. Sometimes I will wake up after a long night of papers and studying; I will wonder "Did I really do it? Did I really get through 2+ years of college?" It amazes me. BUT I could not have done it without God, my family and, friends. There is one thing that bothers me about this though is that my brother, Jeremy and his wife, Courtney along with their kids cannot come and join in on the trip to see me get my degree because of financial reasons; neither will my Aunt Jo, who is no longer living or even my best friend, Kellie. It saddens me.

This is where the tattoos come in. I am getting a memorial tattoo in memory of my Aunt Jo. This way a little piece of her will be with me on that day. I will also carry a picture of my brother and his little family with me; as well as a picture of my best friend. This way, I can have something of everyone with me. Going back to the tattoo, Steve asked if he could sketch out a drawing for my tattoo. I just know when I see it, I will cry and I know that I will be crying as the tattoo is being done; not from pain but from because of what it will represent for me.

Ok, new topic...starting to get teary eyed.

So, today I got to see Steve...it's exactly what I needed after the last few days I have had. I think he realized that I have been missing him and that is making me feel very good that he is thinking about me in such a way. I needed this too. He really is a one of kind and I thank God for him everyday.

Speaking of Steve, he mentioned that my surprise will be coming soon. I, of course, am dying to know what it is. And he, of course, is not saying a word. Oh! Actually he did say that it is something I have never done before...but something tells me he is trying to keep me guessing and just saying that.

As for everything else, it's all good. I sometimes can't believe my life. It's not perfect but it's amazingly blessed.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed.

Steve's Birthday and some random rambling

Well, it didn't go off without a hitch but at least he didn't suspect anything really which means I can pull of a surprise (somewhat). As it turned out he walked in where everything was waiting for him as I was waiting for people to show up and let them in without him seeing. That didn't really work out. His Mom and brother were there and a few people from his work came over to that side of the bowling ally that we were at and wished him a happy birthday. But those that I invited did not come. While it was good, it was kind of a bust. He was surprised and enjoyed it, which is all that matters but it would have still been nice to have the rest of his friends show up. Anyway, all is good.

Aside from that, I have been thinking a lot about things. Mostly what is going on with Steve. I know, I know...not that again!!! I can't help it. Lately I have seen very little of him. Not for any reason but because he is now working 2 jobs and by the time the weekend comes he has other things to do that he used to be able to do during the day before he had to go to work. This essentially means little to no time with Steve. I miss him and he doesn't even know it because I feel like I can't tell him this. The reason, he is always reminding me that we are friends for the time being and I do not want overstep and boundaries, whether I know what and where they are or not. I refuse to say anything or do anything without knowing it is going to be accepted. Most recently I have noticed though that he has be getting more touchy feely; its mostly just a quick rub on the back or a gentle rub on my arm. And then there are times when we link arms together. So I know where I can go with that and what I can do with that but it's the other things that I am not sure of. Like telling him I miss him. Would that be too much? Would I overstep any boundaries in saying that? These and many other questions race through my head, not just for the whole, telling him I miss him thing but other things too.

Lately, I have found myself wondering about something. It's one of those what ifs that floats about and lands from time to time, just long enough for me to think about. I have been wondering about what if he gets to comfortable with being my friend, "for the time being", that he doesn't want to take it further??? I still think about his words, "when the time is right, you will get a surprise" or something like that. I think about them because I wonder if maybe that is my surprise for him to tell me that he wants to be more than friends and be bf/gf.

I am starting to feel like a high school girl...and while I know it's not a bad thing especially when it comes to keeping my cool when I am around him, I really don't want to be this way. I'm chalking it up to stress and being tired, along with missing Steve.

Anyway, I am going to bed...

2 months....

2 months ago, I reunited with someone I never imagined I would ever see again. Someone I fondly thought of often and someone I knew I would never forget if I never saw him again. Steve back into my life at what I consider to be the best time. You see I had been asking God is show me my self worth since I had broken up with Stupid...er I mean, Shawn. Through my family I could see glimpses but not quite everything I needed to see. I am a firm believer in you are a reflection of the people around you and so I know that I am a good person, daughter, sister, aunt and, friend; I deserve the best that God can and has given me. However, there was that part of me that was still lost.

I want to say about a month or so before I met Steve again, I realized that kind of woman I wanted to be as far as purity goes. And when I say purity, I do not strictly mean in the physical sense; i.e. sexually. I mean completely! Body, Mind, Heart and, Spirit; not just to myself and for myself but to and for God; as well as whoever my husband will be. I have even gone so far as to wear a purity ring that simply states, "True Love Waits". Then I met Steve again. Steve has got to be the most spirit filled, God-loving and believing man I have ever met in a very long time. Now that is not to say that he is perfect, I am still praying for him to come to church with me or at least get into a church once again, that is just to say that I believe God truly knew the kind of man and friend I would need in my life when Steve came back into my life. Please do not confuse that last thought. I am not stating that Steve is my man, I am just stating the kind of man he is.

After meeting Steve again, I began to see the lost part of me that I have been searching to see. God showed me more of the kind of woman I want to be, a virtuous woman. When I am around Steve, I can honestly say that I see God in him. I not only see God I can feel him with us. And when I look at Steve, I see my reflection. I see that part of me that I never saw before with the other men that I have dated, been friends with or, most recently engaged to. I now know that I was nothing more to them than a "time killer" or shamefully, a "play thing". Actually, I learned this lesson not too long after I ended the engagement to my last mistake or rather lesson learned. It was just confirmed through God bringing Steve back into my life over the past 2 months or a little more acutally by now as I type this. But who is counting? LOL!!! Oh Heck! I am, I like the man and I don't care who knows it or care if I am counting the days since we reunited. LOL!!!

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to convey here is that I am without a doubt blessed to have such a great friend boy. And I hope if it is God's Will that we can share the rest of our lives together, regardless of the "titles" we share, i.e. Boyfriend/Girlfriend or whatever.

Lights, Camera...God?

After reading SCL's recent blog it got me to thinking about my recent visit to a church I once attended. I wonder sometimes if God is impressed with all the glammed and hyped up services that some Churches have. Now I am in no way judging anyone or any church. I am simply stating a thought that I have been having since Sunday.

I haven't been to this church in a very long time and only went because I was invited by my friend boy, Steve's Mom who still attends the church. It saddens me that Steve's Mom is still attending this church and in all honesty, I feel like she is a lamb being led to the slaughter house. I know I cannot pass judgement onto her or anyone else I know that still attends this church but I can't help but remember when I first saw things as they really are at this church. Again, I am not trying to pass judgement but how can this not be seen for what it really is? Or maybe I am wrong to think this?

I don't know, I still have to wonder though...is God impressed with the lights and over-abundance of extravagant praise and worship when all He wants is us to spend time with Him? I mean I know that in the bible it states that even the rocks praise him...so I know nothing is unusual per say when it comes to praising and worshipping God.

4 and a half more weeks!!!

I am soooooo excited!!!! I am literally weeks away from being done with the bachelor's degree program!!!! I officially do not graduate until September 26th. I am going to Colorado to participate in the grounds ceremony. First time on a plane and first time ever off the east coast. Yeah! I am excited!!!!

He is too cute for words....

I have to say that even in the mist of the crap that life throws at me, I truly do love life and the little moments that pop up when I least expect them.

So let me give you a quick background...

My BFFL, Kellie has this great moments that I like to call, "Kellie-isms". These are the moments where someone might say something like, "I wonder what so and so would say if you asked them this or said that?" and then before you know it, she is off on her cell phone texting whoever and throwing her little twist into the mix of whatever was said and making it all her own. This is just another reason why I love her. Then before long there is an endless moment of laughter and joy from the outcome of Kellie's "Kellie-isms".

Anyway, we had one of these moments last night after we got in from bible study. I happen to mention that I wonder if Steve is going to miss me when he starts his new job and we won't be spending nearly as much as time together as we have been, which I knew was bound to happen sooner or later and I admit I was being a bit selfish when I had a little hope that it would later rather than sooner but of course, you know this would not happen. Kellie takes it a step further and texts him again after she text Steve for me the first time since I was driving to let him know that I was going to stop by his work after I left Kellie's to drop something off to him and she basically asked him, in her own special way if he is going to miss spending time with me. Imagine my surprise when he replies with, "I will make it happen. But right now I want to get my priorities straight before I take the relationship any deeper." Can we say OMG?!?!?!?!??? Kellie was like, "I told you he likes you..." Which I kind of already knew but really wanted to know from him because he is the only one that can confirm or deny his feelings, right? Anyway, Kellie didn't want him to think that I had put her up to anything so she texts him back to let him know that I don't know anything that they are talking about; which yes I know is a lie but believe me when I say, I don't want to do anything that will remotely ever come close to scaring him away...you know us women, we have a way of doing something we don't necessarily mean to do but we somehow, someway find a way to do that something anyway.

Ok, so today I wanted to see what would happen if I mentioned anything from last that was said. I send Steve a message "playing dumb" but to no avail. I never got a reply. I am not sure what happened there but I have gotten used to him not getting back to me right away. Anyway, he finally gets back to me and after getting through the different things that he asked me about, I went on to ask him again what was said. Ok so get this! He totally lies to me!!! LOL!!! But not like a bad lie more like a "I know what was said but I don't want you to know that I know what was said" kind of lie or stretch of the truth. The funniest part, I don't even think he realizes that I know what was said. I tell ya, he is too cute for words...

I just thought I would share that.

The Plan

So, I am planning a birthday surprise for my friend boy, Steve. His birthday is in a matter of weeks and although I have most of it planned out and ready to go, the rest of this plan and is still floating up in the air and I am FA-REEKING OUT!!!! I have never done something like this before. Fortunately I have a friend of his in on the plan but I am still not sure if I will be able to pull it off. I am wondering if I shouldn't get Kellie in on it because she is the best at pulling stuff like this off. I am not sure. I am running into on problem though and I am wondering how I am going to figure it out. He has this favorite flavor cake that I would really like to get if possible, the only other person that knows that this is his fave cake is his Dad but I am not sure how I will get a hold of him without Steve knowing.

I have much left to do and it feels like very little time to get it all planned out. OY FEY! Surprises are fun to give but not always easy to plan.

I Love His Eyes

When he looks at me, I see who I want to be and who I wish I could be...I love his eyes
When he looks at me, his eyes seem to dance with thought and the butterflies race around in my tummy...I love his eyes
When he looks at me, I wonder what he thinks about; what does he see?...I love his eyes
When he looks at me, I see the man he is and the man he longs to be; I want to know every part of him...no matter how good or how bad or anything in between...I love his eyes
When he looks at me, I long for the day that I can look into them for the rest of my life...if it is God's Will.


I love his eyes.

The "I rest in Him" Challenge

There are days when I know that it is not going to be the best day I could ever hope for and then there are days when I know that it is going to be a day of great joy and fun.

Whenever I have a bad day, most of those bads days are asking God to Bless it. I am always saying, "God Bless it" because I know even if it turns out not so great, God is still blessing it *whatever "it" is*. Even in the bad days that we have there are still blessings. Let's see, my bad was yesterday and kind of today but God blessed it. How?, you might be asking. Well, I will tell you. I rest in Him.

I have an awesome family and the best friend boy, Steve (he is not quite my boyfriend so I have been calling him my friend boy). Over the last few weeks we have been making plans for me to get a "new to me* car and selling my "old" car to Steve who has not had a car in nearly 3 years and has been struggling to get a car any way he can but to no avail. I told him yesterday that the whole car thing was just one reason why God brought us together. He totally agreed with this statement and had the biggest smile on his face. Well, after weeks of planning and getting things together, there were a few bumps in that road that kind of made it feel like it was not going to happen BUT it did. Suffice it to say there were a few breakdowns and tears were shed out of pure frustration. In the mist of it all, Kellie *my BFFL* tells me it'll be ok. Steve tells me, have faith and then, Kellie's Dad *my adopted-wish-he-were-my-dad, Dad* tells me, it'll settle down just give it time. Of course Mom is being Mom and taking care of everything.

Although we are still riding out the wave it really has gotten better. I know that no matter what takes place God Blesses it all and I rest in Him.

So here is where the challenge comes in...are you ready for this? Ok, here it goes....

What I would like to challenge you all to do *even if I have just one reader*, I want you to ask God to Bless it. No matter how big or small this issue or problem is, just simply say these 3 words: "God Bless it". It may not help matters at first but eventually you will see the adverse effects that these words will have on the "it" that you are asking God to bless. Then what I want you to do, but it is not required, is pass this challenge on to your family and friends.

My Love Language

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	10
Physical Touch:	7
Acts of Service:	7
Words of Affirmation:	6
Receiving Gifts:	0

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Going somewhere???

So yesterday was a very busy day for me. I got up took care of some school things and then went over to Steve's (he wanted to run by the car shop to ask a few questions about the inspection they did on my soon-to-be-old-car) then we headed over to Annapolis and walked around the mall for a bit. It was a nice day. Then we went to his brother's house and hung out for a bit. At some point he was told about this birthday party for a friend of his from work and asked if I would like to go. Ok, that was outta no where; I said yes of course because I wanted to spend more time with Steve. I come to find out that he wanted me to meet some of his really good friends. Which by the way, I know is code for..."I really like you and want to see what my friends think."

We get there and automatically I am welcomed in like I had been their friends too for as long as Steve has been their friends, it was cool! After a while, we had to make a quick run to drop off something to his brother that Steve forgot to take care of before he and I left his brother's house. As we were dropping whatever off to his brother, another friend of his that was kind of a friend of mine that I went to church with a long time ago came out and said hi to me. She then started asking about me and Steve, which I just casually looked at Steve to see what he would say; with a big smile and blushing he said, "Yeah. We are talking" again, I know this code for, "I am liking her and want to see where this goes." So, we leave there and go back to the party.

Suffice it to say, I am REALLY liking where this is going and look forward to more times with Steve. YAY!!!

Frustration sets in...Dear God HELP ME!!!! *Disclaimer* This is just a vent blog. Please don't think I am crazy or something. I am just venting.

Ok, so I am a little on the frustrated side of life right now. Trying to keep your cool around someone you are butt-crazy about is hard freakin' work!!! Dude, seriously I am totally feelin' like at any moment I am going to do something that is going to end up with me being in one of those, "YEAH! I gotta um go, there is something I forgot to take care of, um...yeah! that's it!" and then just find a rock to crawl under and hide until the rapture comes and takes me up moments. LOL!! Ok!!! So that was a little much there but that is how I am feeling.

When I am around him, I am fine. I try to just go with the flow of things. You know, calm...cool and oh so collected; BUT the guy is so perceptive that I know eventually he going to see through this facade. Oh! and let me tell you how perceptive he is, this is impressive to me even if he is deaf, he is still a guy and most guys I have known or know are not as perceptive as he is or can be. *Side Note: No offense to any of the guys out there that might be reading this, I have just never known any guy as perceptive as he is. End Side Note* Now when I am not around him, my mind is going in all sorts of different directions. I know, I know...this is not a good place to be in because I may end up taking a chance of somehow, someway mixing up the two worlds I am living in right now and get all sorts of messed up. Here is where my disclaimer comes into play. I know I just sounded like I went on the "coo-coo for coco puffs" side of whatever there but really I am just as sane as the next person...I just describe things a little differently is all. Besides as the title states, this is just a vent blog anyway.

Today we spent most of the afternoon just hanging out and watched a movie, then I took him to work (yeah he is so looking forward to having my what will be old car as soon as I get my new car) and then I came home and did some school work (what else is new there?) and now I am right back to being in the "my mind is in all sorts of different directions" mode. Is this healthy? I am beginning to wonder if maybe school has taken away my ability to be the logical person that I normally am??? Or maybe I just need more sleep??? Anything is possible...Right?

Ok, I better end this here before someone goes looking for a straigh-jacket in my size. Later taters!

I like him, He likes me...where's the problem???

Ok so, I like him and I know he likes me...but where's the problem??? Really there is no problem at least not with us anyway. I guess I am just trying to find a way to gain more perspective on the situation as it is. You see, I know he likes me...it's obvious to me and everyone around us but he won't admit it. I know why he won't admit it...there are several reasons, one being me. I have a way of messing things up and I know he can see that. Now when I say, "messing things up", I don't mean it in a bad way. What I mean by that is, I can get to a point where I become "SUPER GIRLFRIEND!!!" Most guys are not into having that, at least not the ones that I had in the past and Steve is VERY VERY perceptive!!! You see he is hearing impaired and extremely sensitive to everything. I could be sitting in the car with him and he looks at me and knows when I have something on my mind or if I have had a bad day. He is so smart too, it's almost scary to me. I mean not that I doubt his intelligence, I am just surprised at the life he has lived and though I still worry about him, I know that he will always be ok.

Anyway, I have kind of fallen off the main topic of this blog. So, I like him and of course he knows this...and I am fairly certain that he likes me but he will not admit to it. He has said as much that he wants to take things slow. While I am all for this plan of action, I am left with two different questions that I am not quite sure that I should even ask him; let alone think about them for myself. #1) Are we friends seeing where it can go? Or #2) Are we friends seeing if you want to take it a step further? These questions, especially the 2nd one leads to other thoughts and questions like, "If we are friends, seeing if you want to take it a step further, does that mean you are going to tell me at any moment that he thinks we are better of as friends???" So yeah, I am trying to stay in the moment and just take one day at a time but honestly, this is getting hard. Probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to find a way to be balanced in. So far I am doing ok, I think??? I just know that I like him and that God has given me this great person in my life and I don't want to ever be without him in my life; regardless of the kind of relationship we have.

*DEEP SIGH* I suppose I just need to let God do whatever He is going to do regardless of what I want and what I hope for. Ok, enough of that...

Something is wrong here!!!!

So, when did it become ok to be an adult and act like a child??? Apparently I missed this memo at some point in my adult life.

I'm in college, I have less than 2 months left before I am done with the Bachelor's Program. I have been doing this for almost 2 and a 1/2 years. Now I realize whenever I first started with the college thing, it wouldn't always be a picnic in the park but seriously, you have got to be kidding me!!!

I have had my share of people I can't seem to work with for one reason or another and I have had my share of no one doing their work for whatever the reason but for someone to all out refuse to work as a group and help fix a problem that they caused is something new on me. Something is seriously wrong here when if in the real world you pulled this crap, you would be fired. I never wish anything bad to happen to anyone but I pray that God allows this person to reap what they have sown today.

To say I am pee'd off is putting it mildly and today's events make me want it to end even quicker.

Stressed??? Yes!!!!!

Imagine if you will, God saying to you, "I want to give you something BUT, you have to go through everything it will take to have it." You say, "ok" without question, why would you question, it's God...who questions God??? Well, I know...I know, we all do at some point but when it comes to life's blessings who really quesitons Him???

So anyway, that is where I am at. I always praying that God keeps me faithful in the small things because I know eventually He is going to give some bigs things that I will, without a doubt, need to be extremely faithful in.

For the last 2 almost 2 and a half years I have been doing the college thing and by the grace and mercy of God I have done extremely well. So, why do I still have this fear that I am going to fall flat on my face??? I know it's just the stress of it all talking but seriously, I feel like any moment now, the rug is going to be pulled from right under me and I am going to be flat on the floor; wondering what just happened? Would God really bring me this far and then take it all away from me? It's not likely but at the same time, it could happen because well, God is God and He can do whatever He wants without ever consulting us. It's not like He's gonna say, "Hey Becky! I was just thinking, how would you feel if I did this or that?" Yeah like that'll ever happen, nice thought though.

I am beyond stressed out. All this week will be nothing but school work, as if that is any different from weeks and months before, but for me this is way different. I have 20 days left of these 2 classes and then I am down to 2 classes, I will be literally weeks away and then I graduate.

I was talking with my friend, Steve just last week about this. He said, "You have to be so excited, like when you graduated from high school?" I said, "Oh No! This is on a totally different level. This is like so big, it could never ever touch high school or high school greaduation." It's different because well, unlike high school I am seriously paying big bucks to make my life better professionally speaking, not to mention the fact that it's much harder when you are practically teaching yourself. So suffice it to say, I am full of so many emotions...I want to cry, dance, laugh, scream and, then do it all over again...emotions wise, you couldn't pay me enough to do this Bachelor's Degree Program thing again...not unless I had the choice to be on an actualy campus. That I would definitely change if I had to do it all over again.

And let's not mention the MBA I will begin working towards in Oct. Yeah, I feel like my life, professionally speaking, hangs on the fingers tips of God's hand and there is nothing I can do but pray. Thank God for the power and greatness of prayer, I seriously have no idea where I would be without it.

Well, I need to be up at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow and it's only 30 mins away from midnight. Much love to you all and blessings for a good week ahead.

God's Domino Effect

First let me give a great big Thank you to God!!!! He is sooooooo awesome!!!! A day or so ago, I went to see my friend and as we were hanging out he wanted to go grab something to eat, something quick and simple. Well, I had been telling him about my car being funky with what I believe to be the struts giving me some worry. I asked him if he wanted to drive it and get a feel for it, he said he would. He tells me that he knows the struts are not good just by the way it drives but he also thinks that maybe there might be something up with the transmission. This left me worried and immediately praying to God for peace and coverage over the issue.

Well, last night my best friend calls me and tells me she is having more car issues with her ex-hubby and come to find out that he is giving her back the car. A long story short, somehow we get to talking about me buying the car from her if it will work out that way, which we think it will. And today it has been confirmed and I just know that even though this is more of a financial burden, God has me and everyone else involved covered.

Now I am sure you are wondering how this is domino effect??? Well, I will tell you...my mom is helping me buy my best friend's car and my friend, Steve *yes he has a name, LOL* is going to buy my car. He is in great need for a car, even if it is a fixer upper A to B car. My car is not a bad car, it just needs more work done on it than I can afford and Steve who is a machanic (on the side) knows that he can fix it up to suit his needs, which include going to see his Dad after having not seen him in 5 or 6 years. He has been trying to find a way to do this for a long time. Not mention many other things that he needs a car for.

How awesome is God???? I say HE TOTALLY RAWKS!!!!

Butterflies dance

Ok, so I am in major like...there is no other way to say it. He makes my butterflies dance. I see the journey from afar and I want to keep going, come what may. Is this what it is supposed to be like? I've had some relationships, friends or otherwise with guys, and I can't remember ever feeling this wonderful with any of them; even when things were what I thought to be great. I don't want to put the cart before the horse and it is my prayer that I can stay in pace with the here and the now and not get ahead of myself, oh! but you know I want to!!!! LOL!!!

I spent a few hours with him today and I felt so at ease even though I will still fearful I would somehow, someway find a way to insert my foot into my mouth up to my thigh but it didn't happen, I don't think and if it did, he didn't seem to notice and if he did, he didn't seem to be bothered by anything that did come out of my mouth.

We started out with the agreement that we would be friends first, reconnect since we hadn't seen each other in years and I am totally fine with that but can I just say, that I am totally butt crazy about this guy. I know he knows this and I know he likes me too but we are taking things as they come. Plus, I also think he is scared. Ok! So I think about him taking the hand holding a little further and give me a kiss but I hold back on that, or at least I try. But I digress.

No matter what happens, all I can say is, "Thank you God for showing me what I have been missing for as long as I can remember and I will never settle for less EVER again."

Happy, Happy...Joy, Joy!!!!

Yay!!!! I am soooooooo freakin' happy if I could do cart wheels I would!!!! So, I decided that I would go see if my friend was working tonight. Imagine my surprise when I saw him at work early and came walking with a big smile on his face, waving to me. Immediately I was freaked out by my nerves even more than I was when I first set out to his work. I mouthed the words, "Oh My God!" I said this twice when I remembered that he could read lips and grabbed my keys from the ignition and got out of my car. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I am sooooo sorry!" I told him, holding my fist up, "I could beat you up for making me worry so much!" He repeated himself and then went on to say that he tried everything he could to get a hold of me. OH! I just realized I didn't say what kept him from coming over Friday and getting a hold of me to tell me what happened. His phone had in fact crapped out on him. This was my first feeling of why he stood me up and didn't call me or whatever.

Anyway, we stood their and talked for a little over and hour; he told me about what all he did to try and get a hold of me. He doesn't have his own car right now so he does a lot of walking when he can get a ride. He said he even walked to the library which from where he lives in a good hike. I felt so special that he would go that far to make sure I knew he was ok but when he couldn't get a hold of me, I said he hoped I would come by his work to see him. He said, "I am so happy you came by. I knew you would be worried and I didn't want you to be worried like that."

To say the least, my worries are all gone and I thank God for giving me the boldness to just be brave and show my friend that I wasn't stalking him, I was just worried. I even got up the courage to ask him to my college graduation for when I get my bachelor's degree and he said, "I knew you were going to ask me and I would love to go." I honestly didn't think he would be able to but he said he would.

I am so hyper with excitement.

Thanks for any prayers that have been sent up. Much love!!!

Wanted: Another Opinion!!! Please???

Ok, so today I was going to attempt to see if my friend was working tonight but had no luck there, he is off or so I was told. Then after humming and hawing over it, I just gave up on what I should do. Now I am wondering if I should just go see him at work when I know he is there??? I need another opinion, the first 2 said I should go; I still don't know??? Consider the facts:

1) He and I have known each other (for the most part) at least 9 years (not consistant in this but still)

2) There has been nothing said to indicate that he has no further interest in me (other than him practically falling off the face of the planet)

3) He hasn't answered any of the text messages I sent him (3 or 4 to be exact) or the e-mails (2 to be exact, in 2 different accounts) and any of the IMs I sent him (no more than 4 but my math could be off by 1)

4) He is hearing impaired and other than reading lips and signing, his only other form of communication (with me anyway) is his T-Moble Sidekick thing; I am wondering if it is not working for some reason??? And I can't remember if he said he had a computer or if he just uses his sidekick thingy.

5) He doesn't seem like the type of guy to just totally dis a friend or even a person he barely knows like this ever. I feel it in my heart.

6) I am worried...because I don't know what is going on or what to do. Ok! Maybe a little too worried but still worried; after all it's been well over 48 hours since he was supposed to come over and hang out; not to mention over 72 hours since I even had a form of communication with him.

So my question is this: Knowing what I know and if you knew all of what I know, along with what I have written above, would you go to his work and not confront him but more along the lines make sure he is ok and then find out what happened?

I am seriously unsure of what to do. For the last 48+ hours all I have been doing is worrying and praying. I have 2 people telling me I should go and at least give him a chance to explain because for all I know he could be unable to get a hold of me for one reason or another and even if he tells me something I don't want to hear, at the very least I will know that he is ok.

My problem is, I don't want to come across as stalker-girl. Please...someone tell me it will be ok to go over there???

At A Loss...

I am without a doubt lost. As I sit here my mind is going in a million different directions and the only thing that I seem to be able to do is pray. Believe I know that, that is the best thing that I can do for myself and for the situation but the human side of me is, FREAKIN' OUT!!!! Why you might be asking, well...I will tell you but first I need to give a bit of a background to the situation as a whole.

Ok so when I was 22 I stopped going to a church that I spent all of my adolesence (spellchecker won't help me with this one) because I felt like God was telling me it was time to move on, I didn't want to but I felt like I had to listen to this word from God and I am honestly glad that I did because it helped to shape me in the person that I am today. Anyway, not knowing where I was going to go I just kind of waited in limbo. Well, it didn't take long before God put me on a new path within my spiritual journey and I started to attend another church that I quickly grew to love and become involved in almost on a daily basis. After probably about a year or two going their, I met this really nice guy who I kind of noticed before he ever approached me but never took the steps to even introduce myself because at the time I was 24 and he was just about to turn 2o or 21 and I wasn't sure how that would look, at least that was my opinion at that time, now it is way different. Anyway, I would talk to him every week (wednesdays and sundays) and really started to like him more but I tried to keep my feelings under wraps. Which apparently didn't work because from what I have learned recently he has always known of my like for him but I will get back to that a little later.

So, skip ahead about a year or so later, things started to really change at the church I was attending and my family pretty much one by one started to leave. I personally wasn't trying to let that persuade me in anyway because at that time I still very much cared for the people and the church, no matter what the pastor was doing and I just wanted to praise God. Then one night while driving home from church, it hit me; something wasn't right and I had an urgent feeling in my spirit that I needed to get out of that church. BUT I didn't listen and for a few more weeks I continued to go to church each service. It wouldn't be long before I would come to have that some urgency about leaving the church. This time I listened. There were no good byes or anything, I just left. I regret that now in a way but at the same time I don't because years later, I can see why God pushed me to leave without looking back. This meant that I left him (my new friend) behind. I now know that I left him wondering where I was and what had happened but now he understands since he is no longer attending that church either.

Moving along, a few years later, I got a hold of him online through AOL when the internet really starting growing. Then finding out that he was engaged, I kind of just dropped away and though I never forgot about him, I just figured it was meant to be that way. Skipping ahead to now...

About 2 weeks ago, I found him online once again through myspace. I was beyond thrilled and hoped beyond hope that he would remember me; he did!! I was so excited. We instantly started to reconnect and started making plans to see each other. I found out that he was back living in the area and working in the area too. Since we met up briefly one evening we have talked every day since reuniting online and in person. I came to find out that he did in fact have some feelings for me and this is where I explain that he always knew about my feelings for him. I told him that I had a secret and be beat me to the punch, he said, "I know and it's ok, put a smile on your face." I was dying. Well, for about a week he has been saying he wanted to take me out but wouldn't tell me where he was going to take me or what we were going to be doing. Then the day comes for him to come get me and nothing. I had spoken to him the night before and everything seemed to be fine. This is where I am at a loss and completely lost.

I just don't know what to think. He is not the kind of guy to stand anyone up without contacting them and saying, "Hey something came up" or "I'm not feeling well". I know this because last week we had plans for him to help me take an old exercise machine I have apart because it is broken and I need to get it to the dump. Anyway, the other thing that worries me is he is hearing impaired and his only way to commuicate other than reading lips and signing is using his little sidekick cell phone thing. He is usually always logged online even if he is not chatting, yesterday I noticed that he wasn't logged on and I figured maybe it was just because he didn't want to be bothered once he got over here to my place to pick me up. But now 24 hours later, he is still not logged on and I haven't heard anything from him since Thursday night. I am so lost, worried out of my mind and, unsure of anything right now.

So, I sit and pray...not knowing what to ask for, I just keep saying; "Please God?" I have never felt this way before. I just don't know what to do.

The word of the day is...Forgiveness

So this past Sunday, at church, the message that was given was about forgiveness. This topic is not necessarily a sore subject for me but it is one that leaves me kind of on the fence.

Anyway, after Sunday's message it got me to thinking. Ya know, I guess I haven't really forgiven people completely. Now what I mean by this is, I have in my heart and mind forgiven them but I never truly expressed it in an outward way. So I sat down the other day in between studying and working on school work and really made a mental note of who I need to forgive completely. After I made this list, I went a step further and contacted them via the internet and sent them heartfelt messages about how I needed to make a wrong right and so on. While I have yet to get any replies to these messages, I know in my heart that I have done the right thing.

But I am left with one person that I do genuinely forgive but have yet to express it in an outward manner. This person is my father. Many people are surprised to hear that I have one let alone that he is still alive. Yes, some people have been known to ask me if my father is still alive because I just simply don't talk about him in any way, shape or, form. I know it's kind of on the sad side but this how it has been for most of my life. I have a definite love/hate relationship with this man. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate him but I don't like him. I firmly believe that you must love everyone but you do not have to like them and that is where I am at with my Dad. I love him but by all accounts I do not whatsoever like him.

While I could give you a list a mile+ long, I choose not to because there is not use in wasting my time or energy on what he has done, said or, whatever to me in the last 25 years. In case anyone is wonder how come I discount 5 years off my life it is because for the first 5 years of my life, I was Daddy's Little Girl and as with many daughters the sun rose and set in my father as far as I was concerned when I was that little and didn't know who my father really was.

Anyway, I digress. The thing about expressing my forgiveness to my father in an outward manner is, he will take it and use it to his advantage and I honestly do not know how to handle this without allowing it to get to me. So that is why I have yet to express my forgiveness to him. In my heart, I know I must do this but I also know that God understands why I am holding off on this. My father is a man who is so full of pride, he done fell more than once with it and continues to do so even with his own brothers and the rest of his family. Honestly, and I don't know how he does it, but the only one who can handle my father is my brother. Somewhere in my brother's abilities, he has a keen way of handling our father that I have yet to figure out.

So that is where I am on this topic of discussion. It may never change but I still keep praying because there will always be a part of me that wants my father in my life. Just right now, it's not looking like it will happen anytime soon.