Blog #2 Admitting some truths

Ok! So I didn't want to do this but the truth must come out; I need to set myself free of these thoughts that bog me down as I am trying to complete yet another school assignment. Hmmm, so here it goes....

Truth #1 - I am angry. I am angry because I still have feelings for my ex, Shawn. I don't want to have these feelings. I want them to be gone! While I have spoken to him since the break up, I really don't want anything to do with him but I can't for some unknown reason to me let him go completely. Am I a glutton for punishment? I haven't seen him, except in my dreams and I wake up even more irritated then when I first went to bed. Last night I even woke up after an hour of sleep, thinking about him. I DO NOT WANT THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD!!! I don't even understand after almost 2 months of being broken up, why I am having such thoughts now. I mean clearly I know that I am not over him or rather over the hurt. But why now? I must of suppressed them when all of this went down. I must have sub-consciously not allowed myself to think about him or the past (though it was only 4 months that we had been together). That must be it! God I just don't want to think about him like that anymore or have those feelings for him anymore.

Truth #2 - I am peeved and jealous all at the same time. I am peeved because I know someone who used an option to change their life without even putting it to better use the way it was intended to be used. Essentially making it an easy out for them and I do not think that it is fair. Ok! So I don't know if this person tried something else before the action that they took became a last resort. But I am peeved that the people who most benefit from what the person I am speaking of did, can so easily reap the benefits of it without it appears to me much work. I am jealous because I myself have worked hard to find the same results but to no avail. I am jealous because I feel like this person is unworthy of such success in what they have done to get to where they are now and where they will be. And someone I truly care about is having struggle and strive to do what needs to be done before it is deemed necessary for this option to take place. This person that I care about is someone I know will benefit from what they are doing to make their health better the right way.

Truth #3 - Although I am taught to love and accept everyone, there is one person that I cannot love or accept. I believe this person is a selfish, fake of a person. I see this person nearly every week and when I look at pictures posted online by this person, my skin crawls because my spirit sees straight through them and I don't understand how hard it is to be who God intended you to be but instead this person puts on a front and is nothing but fake. Call me judgemental but I cannot stand fake Christians. I cannot stand how they praise the Lord on Sundays and give thanks to him for answered prayers but then will flash their stuff for all to see online. I guess maybe I am become more aware of certain things that I know just aren't Godly and pleasing to God.

Truth #4 - I almost hate that I still have feelings for someone who simply cannot be mine. I say almost because I recently realized that I still have feelings for him and I know I can't but there is a part of me that doesn't care. I wish I had never walked away the day he walked up behind me and said hi. But I did and that is the price I pay for being sick and not hearing him. It is also the price I pay for not being bold and saying hi for myself, when I knew who he was after a year of being told about him and realizing it was him at the bowling alley when I first laid eyes on him and never even seeing a picture of him. But now he is engaged and I would never step over those unspoken boundaries.

Ok, so there they are. Truths that I really didn't want to admit to and will deny if I am ever asked about LOL! Seriously, though, there they are. In writing for all who read this to see.

Socks on my feet and other randomness

Did you ever think about the feeling of comfort you get from the most random thing? I just put socks on my feet and I swear the instant warmth I get every time it brings to me. I wish that feeling could last forever and be enough for the rest of my life but alas, it only is but for a fleeting moment until the next time I put socks on my feet.

Why am I talking about putting socks on? Because lately, I have been feeling so drained and tired. This tiredness and feeling drained has taken me to being so restless and wanting to do nothing but sleep.

I simply cannot wait until school is done and over with. I know that this is where God wants me to be and I know I will continue on until it is done but that doesn't mean I still can't wait until it is over.

In the beginning...

So this is my first blog here. I am kind of a big blogger, usually on myspace and through a friend I found this site through her and her hubby's blog site. I think it's pretty cool the idea of blogging, it's everything you need in one spot.

You can vent, share great news, kill boredom and, just plain evacuate all the thoughts that bog you down throughout the day or week. So, I guess we'll see how this goes for me. Like I said, I usally use myspace to blog.