At A Loss...

I am without a doubt lost. As I sit here my mind is going in a million different directions and the only thing that I seem to be able to do is pray. Believe I know that, that is the best thing that I can do for myself and for the situation but the human side of me is, FREAKIN' OUT!!!! Why you might be asking, well...I will tell you but first I need to give a bit of a background to the situation as a whole.

Ok so when I was 22 I stopped going to a church that I spent all of my adolesence (spellchecker won't help me with this one) because I felt like God was telling me it was time to move on, I didn't want to but I felt like I had to listen to this word from God and I am honestly glad that I did because it helped to shape me in the person that I am today. Anyway, not knowing where I was going to go I just kind of waited in limbo. Well, it didn't take long before God put me on a new path within my spiritual journey and I started to attend another church that I quickly grew to love and become involved in almost on a daily basis. After probably about a year or two going their, I met this really nice guy who I kind of noticed before he ever approached me but never took the steps to even introduce myself because at the time I was 24 and he was just about to turn 2o or 21 and I wasn't sure how that would look, at least that was my opinion at that time, now it is way different. Anyway, I would talk to him every week (wednesdays and sundays) and really started to like him more but I tried to keep my feelings under wraps. Which apparently didn't work because from what I have learned recently he has always known of my like for him but I will get back to that a little later.

So, skip ahead about a year or so later, things started to really change at the church I was attending and my family pretty much one by one started to leave. I personally wasn't trying to let that persuade me in anyway because at that time I still very much cared for the people and the church, no matter what the pastor was doing and I just wanted to praise God. Then one night while driving home from church, it hit me; something wasn't right and I had an urgent feeling in my spirit that I needed to get out of that church. BUT I didn't listen and for a few more weeks I continued to go to church each service. It wouldn't be long before I would come to have that some urgency about leaving the church. This time I listened. There were no good byes or anything, I just left. I regret that now in a way but at the same time I don't because years later, I can see why God pushed me to leave without looking back. This meant that I left him (my new friend) behind. I now know that I left him wondering where I was and what had happened but now he understands since he is no longer attending that church either.

Moving along, a few years later, I got a hold of him online through AOL when the internet really starting growing. Then finding out that he was engaged, I kind of just dropped away and though I never forgot about him, I just figured it was meant to be that way. Skipping ahead to now...

About 2 weeks ago, I found him online once again through myspace. I was beyond thrilled and hoped beyond hope that he would remember me; he did!! I was so excited. We instantly started to reconnect and started making plans to see each other. I found out that he was back living in the area and working in the area too. Since we met up briefly one evening we have talked every day since reuniting online and in person. I came to find out that he did in fact have some feelings for me and this is where I explain that he always knew about my feelings for him. I told him that I had a secret and be beat me to the punch, he said, "I know and it's ok, put a smile on your face." I was dying. Well, for about a week he has been saying he wanted to take me out but wouldn't tell me where he was going to take me or what we were going to be doing. Then the day comes for him to come get me and nothing. I had spoken to him the night before and everything seemed to be fine. This is where I am at a loss and completely lost.

I just don't know what to think. He is not the kind of guy to stand anyone up without contacting them and saying, "Hey something came up" or "I'm not feeling well". I know this because last week we had plans for him to help me take an old exercise machine I have apart because it is broken and I need to get it to the dump. Anyway, the other thing that worries me is he is hearing impaired and his only way to commuicate other than reading lips and signing is using his little sidekick cell phone thing. He is usually always logged online even if he is not chatting, yesterday I noticed that he wasn't logged on and I figured maybe it was just because he didn't want to be bothered once he got over here to my place to pick me up. But now 24 hours later, he is still not logged on and I haven't heard anything from him since Thursday night. I am so lost, worried out of my mind and, unsure of anything right now.

So, I sit and pray...not knowing what to ask for, I just keep saying; "Please God?" I have never felt this way before. I just don't know what to do.