The Untitled Blog

I'm feelin' kinda lost. While things with Steve are progressing, I can't help but wonder; will we make it? Lately he has been crazy busy with working 2 jobs, one of which is not stable in so far as having a consistent schedule and the other is just plain and simple crazy hours. On top of this he is always doing something for someone he knows and/or his family. I try to be as understanding as but to be honest behind closed doors sometimes understanding goes out the window and I become this puddle of mush, i.e. missing him, feeling like a bother if I text him so I don't text him if I can help it and, did I mention missing him? Also I try never to be the selfish type but again, behind closed doors I will think to myself, "It's not fair, I haven't seen him in ex amount of days..." blah, blah, blah.

Now added to this list is knowing that eventually he will be going back to Texas for 2 years to complete his certification as a master machanic. This is where most of the wondering if we will make it comes from.

Earlier this evening, after having dinner with Mom, I stopped by one of his jobs to find out if we were still on for taking care of some car things for his car tomorrow; which I kinda figured we wouldn't be because he is a perfectionist when it comes to cars and he wants to make sure he does a little more work on his car before we do anything else car related outside of him doing certain things for himself. Somehow we got on the topic of him not having anything to eat all day. When I found out why I changed that pretty quickly. Anyway, at one point to prove a point I was trying to make he said something that didn't sit right with me. After going back out to get him taken care of with getting him food, I flat out asked him what he meant.

You see last week he told me that we were dating. We aren't quite boyfriend/girlfriend but we are not just friends. We are still taking things as they come, getting to know who we are individually and together. Then tonight he said something sounded like it was the complete opposite. As it turns out, I just needed to listen closer to understand what he was saying. This is what got me to thinking more about the will we make it stuff.

I know what God brings together only God can take apart, I guess I just feel so unsecure right now because he is not very expressive in his thoughts. Of course, I know men will never be like us women in that department. As my Mom said, "You don't know what he could be thinking or feeling about or for you, Becky. This could be as hard on him emotionally as it is you with not being able to be with you as much as he may want and then having the idea of going back to Texas." She is right, I know she is...I just wish I could know his thoughts and feelings; at least then I would know a little more than I do.

If any of this makes any sense???