The Blog about Nothing wrapped up in Something

I can't help but think about something quite important to me. Love. There are so many ways to define Love. You can love how something smells so good, like fresh cut grass in the spring/summer time. You can love your siblings, like a fat kid loves cake *I am always saying that to my brother, "I love ya like a fat kid loves cake."* And you can love God with all of your heart, mind and, soul.

There is the kind of love that I have yet to experience and long to discover. The love of a husband, my own of course (LOL!). I look around and see so many husbands loving their wives and I am filled with joy and a little envy. My brother and his wife, my best friend's parents who have been married for almost 33 years, I believe is what she told me when I asked and, the impending marriage of my best friend, Kellie and her fiancee, Mike. Now I know, it's not always a bed of roses in marriage but my God the love that I see, it's amazingly beautiful to me. While I am accepting of the fact that I may never get married, because well, some people that is their lot in life (chosen or accepted that way), I still long for the love of a husband.

I have asked and continue to ask, being as specific as possible without putting God in a box, for a husband, as God's word says, "We have not because we ask not." and I imagine God sitting right next me saying, "He is almost ready, just give me a little more time." So I wait. I am not saying, I am a very patient person, I have my moments of, "I want it now" but I still wait. Who knows, maybe I already know him and God is still working on the whole process, changing me, changing him...making that moment as perfect as possible.

For all I know, the man God has for me is not saved yet and as I have asked God for him to be saved. I have been in those "unevenly yoked" relationships and they are hard to deal with let alone be in. For all I know, God has him right there but it is me who is not ready according to God's perspective. Either way, I will...wait. And as I wait, I will grow closer to God as close as I can and just live my life until that day comes.

Accepting what is and embracing what isn't...

I just got in from bible study, ok well I just got in from Kellie's house after we got out of bible study. I tell ya, it's amazing how much an hour can change things; especially my perspective. Right now we are studying, "Experiencing God" and this study is very intense, I highly recommend it but warn anyone who does it be prepared to be in it for a little over a year because you need that much time for it all to be absorbed into your mind and more than that your spirit.

Anyway, I totally understand why I am in the place I am at even if I am not 100% happy about it. Did God say I would always be happy? No, He just said, he would take care of me and that I just have to trust Him. It's clear to me that I have to find a way to see God in everything. I need to pray more...even be in His word more, I know that will help me. It just gets hard to stay on top of these outlets, for lack of a better way of putting it. The bible study helps but I want more for myself on a personal level with God.

I want...

While there is, I think, there is nothing wrong with being seen as sexy I really want to be seen as beautiful. There is something more meaningful with being beautiful and being seen as beautiful. Maybe I am seen as beautiful...but when I hear sexy, I just cringe. I am not sure why but that thought, those words just sends chills up my back and I want to rip my skin off. Am I being silly here? Is there something wrong with me? Am I being too picky or demanding on what I want to hear and been seen as?

I just see something different and more virtuous in the idea and words of being beautiful.