I gave him my secret...

...but it was not much of a secret. He apparently already knew how I felt, he was just waiting for me to tell him. He wanted to hear it from me.

So, I went to see Steve yesterday afternoon. While we were hanging out, he tells me that he is planning on going back to Texas for school. I tried to keep my cool but of course he sees straight through that. He knows too well but of course I am not complaining about it. Anyway, he tells me he knows what I am thinking and after a little while I told him he was right, I don't want him to go. We got into a text-versation and after he telling me what it mean to and for him, he asked me what I thought. I told him the truth; I told him that I won't ever stop him from living his dreams and that I want to see him better himself but that I have so many other thoughts going through my mind. I had bible study last night so the text-versation had end for a bit but I told him I would text him later after everything was done. My best friend, Kellie and her mom told me I should just tell him how I was feeling but to be honest, I wasn't sure that I could.

After bible study, I dropped Kellie and her mom off at their house and went over the see Steve at work. I had made a cake for my bible study group in celebration of completing the Bachelor's Degree Program and thought I would share some with Steve and his work friends. Anyway, we sat down while he ate his piece of cake and he asked me what was going through my mind. He asked if I had concerns, I told kind of but not about him. More about us. That was hard because the moment I said it, I started to cry. I told him that when I first met him 7 years ago, I knew he was someone special and that the one I regret when I left the church we both attended and met at, was not staying in touch with him. I went on to tell him that I felt like us reuniting was God giving us a second chance and that I never thought I would have that with him. He said, I had faith that we would meet again one day and we did. Then I told him that since us spending time together and getting to know other, I realized through him what my self worth really is and that I don't want to lose him. He said, we will always be in each other's live; me in his and him in mine. Then I told him that there was something else I wanted to tell him. I tried very hard but kind resorted to writing it down. I will not say what I wrote because I cannot remember exactly what I wrote because so emotional. But suffice it say, he accepted what I wrote and said that he is happy to know where we stand. There was a bit of confusion but fortunately I was able to explain everything more clearly. I asked him if I was assuming right when I say, there is more here between us than friendship; he said yes but he wants to get his life in order before we get deeper into the relationship. He said, when I move which will not be for a little while, we will talk almost every day and we are going to make sure we have webcams so that we can see each other too.

I am not sure how to feel right now because I am happy and I am sad. I happy because I know that there is more and that he cares about me as much as I care about him. I am sad because I just found him again and when he moves he will be away for 2 years and it going to be so hard not to be able to see him and hug him. But I know God will sustain us. There is no doubt in my mind that God brought Steve and I together.

I can never stay mad at him...

I will make this entry short and sweet. All is right in the world. The HIM that was being spoken about, has made things better. It was kind of trival when I think about it. He honestly never means for things to happen the way they do when his plans or our plans don't go the way we plan them out and want them to be. I do need to learn to not be as upset/sad as I was about these kinds of things. After all, life happens and plans change; whether we like it or not. I could see it in his eyes that he had no intention of me being upset/sad. Thank God for being able to talk things out and not making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Pet Peeves

I've spent most of my weekend disappointed. Why? You might be asking. The reason, plans that were made on Monday for Saturday were not just canceled but totally taken away. Then after about a day or almost a day to get over this disappointment, I am faced with another bout of disappointment by the same person who stated they had one errand to run and then they would be coming over to see me. This was roughly 5 hours ago and I have yet to hear from this person to say something along the lines of, "Hey! Yeah, I know I said I was coming over but such and such came up" or "I'm really sorry, I will not be able to come over like I thought. I will get in touch with you another day." But did I get that??? NO! I am not mad per say but I am far from happy. This is just one of my pet peeves. Saying you are going to do something and totally bail out on me. But more than that, I really dislike not being given any kind of word as to what happened or if something came up.

Now before you say anything, I know that there may not be an opportunity for this person to get in touch with me. Ok, I will give you that. I always give just enough room for such reasons like the one stated above and even those that are completely in left field. However, after my first disappointment; adding this disappointment is like adding salt to an open wound, it's just not sitting well with me.

And I do not have one clue as to what to do about either of these disappointments because the person who bestowed these disappointments on me, is someone I know without a doubt would not do this on purpose; at least I hope I can believe that.

Oh! I better just shut this down now cause I am getting more and more tired which means becoming more and more cranky. I better go to bed or at least step away from the situation mentally as much as possible before I say or do something I will regret. Night.