Stressed??? Yes!!!!!

Imagine if you will, God saying to you, "I want to give you something BUT, you have to go through everything it will take to have it." You say, "ok" without question, why would you question, it's God...who questions God??? Well, I know...I know, we all do at some point but when it comes to life's blessings who really quesitons Him???

So anyway, that is where I am at. I always praying that God keeps me faithful in the small things because I know eventually He is going to give some bigs things that I will, without a doubt, need to be extremely faithful in.

For the last 2 almost 2 and a half years I have been doing the college thing and by the grace and mercy of God I have done extremely well. So, why do I still have this fear that I am going to fall flat on my face??? I know it's just the stress of it all talking but seriously, I feel like any moment now, the rug is going to be pulled from right under me and I am going to be flat on the floor; wondering what just happened? Would God really bring me this far and then take it all away from me? It's not likely but at the same time, it could happen because well, God is God and He can do whatever He wants without ever consulting us. It's not like He's gonna say, "Hey Becky! I was just thinking, how would you feel if I did this or that?" Yeah like that'll ever happen, nice thought though.

I am beyond stressed out. All this week will be nothing but school work, as if that is any different from weeks and months before, but for me this is way different. I have 20 days left of these 2 classes and then I am down to 2 classes, I will be literally weeks away and then I graduate.

I was talking with my friend, Steve just last week about this. He said, "You have to be so excited, like when you graduated from high school?" I said, "Oh No! This is on a totally different level. This is like so big, it could never ever touch high school or high school greaduation." It's different because well, unlike high school I am seriously paying big bucks to make my life better professionally speaking, not to mention the fact that it's much harder when you are practically teaching yourself. So suffice it to say, I am full of so many emotions...I want to cry, dance, laugh, scream and, then do it all over again...emotions wise, you couldn't pay me enough to do this Bachelor's Degree Program thing again...not unless I had the choice to be on an actualy campus. That I would definitely change if I had to do it all over again.

And let's not mention the MBA I will begin working towards in Oct. Yeah, I feel like my life, professionally speaking, hangs on the fingers tips of God's hand and there is nothing I can do but pray. Thank God for the power and greatness of prayer, I seriously have no idea where I would be without it.

Well, I need to be up at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow and it's only 30 mins away from midnight. Much love to you all and blessings for a good week ahead.

God's Domino Effect

First let me give a great big Thank you to God!!!! He is sooooooo awesome!!!! A day or so ago, I went to see my friend and as we were hanging out he wanted to go grab something to eat, something quick and simple. Well, I had been telling him about my car being funky with what I believe to be the struts giving me some worry. I asked him if he wanted to drive it and get a feel for it, he said he would. He tells me that he knows the struts are not good just by the way it drives but he also thinks that maybe there might be something up with the transmission. This left me worried and immediately praying to God for peace and coverage over the issue.

Well, last night my best friend calls me and tells me she is having more car issues with her ex-hubby and come to find out that he is giving her back the car. A long story short, somehow we get to talking about me buying the car from her if it will work out that way, which we think it will. And today it has been confirmed and I just know that even though this is more of a financial burden, God has me and everyone else involved covered.

Now I am sure you are wondering how this is domino effect??? Well, I will tell you...my mom is helping me buy my best friend's car and my friend, Steve *yes he has a name, LOL* is going to buy my car. He is in great need for a car, even if it is a fixer upper A to B car. My car is not a bad car, it just needs more work done on it than I can afford and Steve who is a machanic (on the side) knows that he can fix it up to suit his needs, which include going to see his Dad after having not seen him in 5 or 6 years. He has been trying to find a way to do this for a long time. Not mention many other things that he needs a car for.

How awesome is God???? I say HE TOTALLY RAWKS!!!!

Butterflies dance

Ok, so I am in major like...there is no other way to say it. He makes my butterflies dance. I see the journey from afar and I want to keep going, come what may. Is this what it is supposed to be like? I've had some relationships, friends or otherwise with guys, and I can't remember ever feeling this wonderful with any of them; even when things were what I thought to be great. I don't want to put the cart before the horse and it is my prayer that I can stay in pace with the here and the now and not get ahead of myself, oh! but you know I want to!!!! LOL!!!

I spent a few hours with him today and I felt so at ease even though I will still fearful I would somehow, someway find a way to insert my foot into my mouth up to my thigh but it didn't happen, I don't think and if it did, he didn't seem to notice and if he did, he didn't seem to be bothered by anything that did come out of my mouth.

We started out with the agreement that we would be friends first, reconnect since we hadn't seen each other in years and I am totally fine with that but can I just say, that I am totally butt crazy about this guy. I know he knows this and I know he likes me too but we are taking things as they come. Plus, I also think he is scared. Ok! So I think about him taking the hand holding a little further and give me a kiss but I hold back on that, or at least I try. But I digress.

No matter what happens, all I can say is, "Thank you God for showing me what I have been missing for as long as I can remember and I will never settle for less EVER again."

Happy, Happy...Joy, Joy!!!!

Yay!!!! I am soooooooo freakin' happy if I could do cart wheels I would!!!! So, I decided that I would go see if my friend was working tonight. Imagine my surprise when I saw him at work early and came walking with a big smile on his face, waving to me. Immediately I was freaked out by my nerves even more than I was when I first set out to his work. I mouthed the words, "Oh My God!" I said this twice when I remembered that he could read lips and grabbed my keys from the ignition and got out of my car. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I am sooooo sorry!" I told him, holding my fist up, "I could beat you up for making me worry so much!" He repeated himself and then went on to say that he tried everything he could to get a hold of me. OH! I just realized I didn't say what kept him from coming over Friday and getting a hold of me to tell me what happened. His phone had in fact crapped out on him. This was my first feeling of why he stood me up and didn't call me or whatever.

Anyway, we stood their and talked for a little over and hour; he told me about what all he did to try and get a hold of me. He doesn't have his own car right now so he does a lot of walking when he can get a ride. He said he even walked to the library which from where he lives in a good hike. I felt so special that he would go that far to make sure I knew he was ok but when he couldn't get a hold of me, I said he hoped I would come by his work to see him. He said, "I am so happy you came by. I knew you would be worried and I didn't want you to be worried like that."

To say the least, my worries are all gone and I thank God for giving me the boldness to just be brave and show my friend that I wasn't stalking him, I was just worried. I even got up the courage to ask him to my college graduation for when I get my bachelor's degree and he said, "I knew you were going to ask me and I would love to go." I honestly didn't think he would be able to but he said he would.

I am so hyper with excitement.

Thanks for any prayers that have been sent up. Much love!!!

Wanted: Another Opinion!!! Please???

Ok, so today I was going to attempt to see if my friend was working tonight but had no luck there, he is off or so I was told. Then after humming and hawing over it, I just gave up on what I should do. Now I am wondering if I should just go see him at work when I know he is there??? I need another opinion, the first 2 said I should go; I still don't know??? Consider the facts:

1) He and I have known each other (for the most part) at least 9 years (not consistant in this but still)

2) There has been nothing said to indicate that he has no further interest in me (other than him practically falling off the face of the planet)

3) He hasn't answered any of the text messages I sent him (3 or 4 to be exact) or the e-mails (2 to be exact, in 2 different accounts) and any of the IMs I sent him (no more than 4 but my math could be off by 1)

4) He is hearing impaired and other than reading lips and signing, his only other form of communication (with me anyway) is his T-Moble Sidekick thing; I am wondering if it is not working for some reason??? And I can't remember if he said he had a computer or if he just uses his sidekick thingy.

5) He doesn't seem like the type of guy to just totally dis a friend or even a person he barely knows like this ever. I feel it in my heart.

6) I am worried...because I don't know what is going on or what to do. Ok! Maybe a little too worried but still worried; after all it's been well over 48 hours since he was supposed to come over and hang out; not to mention over 72 hours since I even had a form of communication with him.

So my question is this: Knowing what I know and if you knew all of what I know, along with what I have written above, would you go to his work and not confront him but more along the lines make sure he is ok and then find out what happened?

I am seriously unsure of what to do. For the last 48+ hours all I have been doing is worrying and praying. I have 2 people telling me I should go and at least give him a chance to explain because for all I know he could be unable to get a hold of me for one reason or another and even if he tells me something I don't want to hear, at the very least I will know that he is ok.

My problem is, I don't want to come across as stalker-girl. Please...someone tell me it will be ok to go over there???

At A Loss...

I am without a doubt lost. As I sit here my mind is going in a million different directions and the only thing that I seem to be able to do is pray. Believe I know that, that is the best thing that I can do for myself and for the situation but the human side of me is, FREAKIN' OUT!!!! Why you might be asking, well...I will tell you but first I need to give a bit of a background to the situation as a whole.

Ok so when I was 22 I stopped going to a church that I spent all of my adolesence (spellchecker won't help me with this one) because I felt like God was telling me it was time to move on, I didn't want to but I felt like I had to listen to this word from God and I am honestly glad that I did because it helped to shape me in the person that I am today. Anyway, not knowing where I was going to go I just kind of waited in limbo. Well, it didn't take long before God put me on a new path within my spiritual journey and I started to attend another church that I quickly grew to love and become involved in almost on a daily basis. After probably about a year or two going their, I met this really nice guy who I kind of noticed before he ever approached me but never took the steps to even introduce myself because at the time I was 24 and he was just about to turn 2o or 21 and I wasn't sure how that would look, at least that was my opinion at that time, now it is way different. Anyway, I would talk to him every week (wednesdays and sundays) and really started to like him more but I tried to keep my feelings under wraps. Which apparently didn't work because from what I have learned recently he has always known of my like for him but I will get back to that a little later.

So, skip ahead about a year or so later, things started to really change at the church I was attending and my family pretty much one by one started to leave. I personally wasn't trying to let that persuade me in anyway because at that time I still very much cared for the people and the church, no matter what the pastor was doing and I just wanted to praise God. Then one night while driving home from church, it hit me; something wasn't right and I had an urgent feeling in my spirit that I needed to get out of that church. BUT I didn't listen and for a few more weeks I continued to go to church each service. It wouldn't be long before I would come to have that some urgency about leaving the church. This time I listened. There were no good byes or anything, I just left. I regret that now in a way but at the same time I don't because years later, I can see why God pushed me to leave without looking back. This meant that I left him (my new friend) behind. I now know that I left him wondering where I was and what had happened but now he understands since he is no longer attending that church either.

Moving along, a few years later, I got a hold of him online through AOL when the internet really starting growing. Then finding out that he was engaged, I kind of just dropped away and though I never forgot about him, I just figured it was meant to be that way. Skipping ahead to now...

About 2 weeks ago, I found him online once again through myspace. I was beyond thrilled and hoped beyond hope that he would remember me; he did!! I was so excited. We instantly started to reconnect and started making plans to see each other. I found out that he was back living in the area and working in the area too. Since we met up briefly one evening we have talked every day since reuniting online and in person. I came to find out that he did in fact have some feelings for me and this is where I explain that he always knew about my feelings for him. I told him that I had a secret and be beat me to the punch, he said, "I know and it's ok, put a smile on your face." I was dying. Well, for about a week he has been saying he wanted to take me out but wouldn't tell me where he was going to take me or what we were going to be doing. Then the day comes for him to come get me and nothing. I had spoken to him the night before and everything seemed to be fine. This is where I am at a loss and completely lost.

I just don't know what to think. He is not the kind of guy to stand anyone up without contacting them and saying, "Hey something came up" or "I'm not feeling well". I know this because last week we had plans for him to help me take an old exercise machine I have apart because it is broken and I need to get it to the dump. Anyway, the other thing that worries me is he is hearing impaired and his only way to commuicate other than reading lips and signing is using his little sidekick cell phone thing. He is usually always logged online even if he is not chatting, yesterday I noticed that he wasn't logged on and I figured maybe it was just because he didn't want to be bothered once he got over here to my place to pick me up. But now 24 hours later, he is still not logged on and I haven't heard anything from him since Thursday night. I am so lost, worried out of my mind and, unsure of anything right now.

So, I sit and pray...not knowing what to ask for, I just keep saying; "Please God?" I have never felt this way before. I just don't know what to do.

The word of the day is...Forgiveness

So this past Sunday, at church, the message that was given was about forgiveness. This topic is not necessarily a sore subject for me but it is one that leaves me kind of on the fence.

Anyway, after Sunday's message it got me to thinking. Ya know, I guess I haven't really forgiven people completely. Now what I mean by this is, I have in my heart and mind forgiven them but I never truly expressed it in an outward way. So I sat down the other day in between studying and working on school work and really made a mental note of who I need to forgive completely. After I made this list, I went a step further and contacted them via the internet and sent them heartfelt messages about how I needed to make a wrong right and so on. While I have yet to get any replies to these messages, I know in my heart that I have done the right thing.

But I am left with one person that I do genuinely forgive but have yet to express it in an outward manner. This person is my father. Many people are surprised to hear that I have one let alone that he is still alive. Yes, some people have been known to ask me if my father is still alive because I just simply don't talk about him in any way, shape or, form. I know it's kind of on the sad side but this how it has been for most of my life. I have a definite love/hate relationship with this man. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate him but I don't like him. I firmly believe that you must love everyone but you do not have to like them and that is where I am at with my Dad. I love him but by all accounts I do not whatsoever like him.

While I could give you a list a mile+ long, I choose not to because there is not use in wasting my time or energy on what he has done, said or, whatever to me in the last 25 years. In case anyone is wonder how come I discount 5 years off my life it is because for the first 5 years of my life, I was Daddy's Little Girl and as with many daughters the sun rose and set in my father as far as I was concerned when I was that little and didn't know who my father really was.

Anyway, I digress. The thing about expressing my forgiveness to my father in an outward manner is, he will take it and use it to his advantage and I honestly do not know how to handle this without allowing it to get to me. So that is why I have yet to express my forgiveness to him. In my heart, I know I must do this but I also know that God understands why I am holding off on this. My father is a man who is so full of pride, he done fell more than once with it and continues to do so even with his own brothers and the rest of his family. Honestly, and I don't know how he does it, but the only one who can handle my father is my brother. Somewhere in my brother's abilities, he has a keen way of handling our father that I have yet to figure out.

So that is where I am on this topic of discussion. It may never change but I still keep praying because there will always be a part of me that wants my father in my life. Just right now, it's not looking like it will happen anytime soon.