The word of the day is...Forgiveness

So this past Sunday, at church, the message that was given was about forgiveness. This topic is not necessarily a sore subject for me but it is one that leaves me kind of on the fence.

Anyway, after Sunday's message it got me to thinking. Ya know, I guess I haven't really forgiven people completely. Now what I mean by this is, I have in my heart and mind forgiven them but I never truly expressed it in an outward way. So I sat down the other day in between studying and working on school work and really made a mental note of who I need to forgive completely. After I made this list, I went a step further and contacted them via the internet and sent them heartfelt messages about how I needed to make a wrong right and so on. While I have yet to get any replies to these messages, I know in my heart that I have done the right thing.

But I am left with one person that I do genuinely forgive but have yet to express it in an outward manner. This person is my father. Many people are surprised to hear that I have one let alone that he is still alive. Yes, some people have been known to ask me if my father is still alive because I just simply don't talk about him in any way, shape or, form. I know it's kind of on the sad side but this how it has been for most of my life. I have a definite love/hate relationship with this man. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate him but I don't like him. I firmly believe that you must love everyone but you do not have to like them and that is where I am at with my Dad. I love him but by all accounts I do not whatsoever like him.

While I could give you a list a mile+ long, I choose not to because there is not use in wasting my time or energy on what he has done, said or, whatever to me in the last 25 years. In case anyone is wonder how come I discount 5 years off my life it is because for the first 5 years of my life, I was Daddy's Little Girl and as with many daughters the sun rose and set in my father as far as I was concerned when I was that little and didn't know who my father really was.

Anyway, I digress. The thing about expressing my forgiveness to my father in an outward manner is, he will take it and use it to his advantage and I honestly do not know how to handle this without allowing it to get to me. So that is why I have yet to express my forgiveness to him. In my heart, I know I must do this but I also know that God understands why I am holding off on this. My father is a man who is so full of pride, he done fell more than once with it and continues to do so even with his own brothers and the rest of his family. Honestly, and I don't know how he does it, but the only one who can handle my father is my brother. Somewhere in my brother's abilities, he has a keen way of handling our father that I have yet to figure out.

So that is where I am on this topic of discussion. It may never change but I still keep praying because there will always be a part of me that wants my father in my life. Just right now, it's not looking like it will happen anytime soon.