At A Loss...

I am without a doubt lost. As I sit here my mind is going in a million different directions and the only thing that I seem to be able to do is pray. Believe I know that, that is the best thing that I can do for myself and for the situation but the human side of me is, FREAKIN' OUT!!!! Why you might be asking, well...I will tell you but first I need to give a bit of a background to the situation as a whole.

Ok so when I was 22 I stopped going to a church that I spent all of my adolesence (spellchecker won't help me with this one) because I felt like God was telling me it was time to move on, I didn't want to but I felt like I had to listen to this word from God and I am honestly glad that I did because it helped to shape me in the person that I am today. Anyway, not knowing where I was going to go I just kind of waited in limbo. Well, it didn't take long before God put me on a new path within my spiritual journey and I started to attend another church that I quickly grew to love and become involved in almost on a daily basis. After probably about a year or two going their, I met this really nice guy who I kind of noticed before he ever approached me but never took the steps to even introduce myself because at the time I was 24 and he was just about to turn 2o or 21 and I wasn't sure how that would look, at least that was my opinion at that time, now it is way different. Anyway, I would talk to him every week (wednesdays and sundays) and really started to like him more but I tried to keep my feelings under wraps. Which apparently didn't work because from what I have learned recently he has always known of my like for him but I will get back to that a little later.

So, skip ahead about a year or so later, things started to really change at the church I was attending and my family pretty much one by one started to leave. I personally wasn't trying to let that persuade me in anyway because at that time I still very much cared for the people and the church, no matter what the pastor was doing and I just wanted to praise God. Then one night while driving home from church, it hit me; something wasn't right and I had an urgent feeling in my spirit that I needed to get out of that church. BUT I didn't listen and for a few more weeks I continued to go to church each service. It wouldn't be long before I would come to have that some urgency about leaving the church. This time I listened. There were no good byes or anything, I just left. I regret that now in a way but at the same time I don't because years later, I can see why God pushed me to leave without looking back. This meant that I left him (my new friend) behind. I now know that I left him wondering where I was and what had happened but now he understands since he is no longer attending that church either.

Moving along, a few years later, I got a hold of him online through AOL when the internet really starting growing. Then finding out that he was engaged, I kind of just dropped away and though I never forgot about him, I just figured it was meant to be that way. Skipping ahead to now...

About 2 weeks ago, I found him online once again through myspace. I was beyond thrilled and hoped beyond hope that he would remember me; he did!! I was so excited. We instantly started to reconnect and started making plans to see each other. I found out that he was back living in the area and working in the area too. Since we met up briefly one evening we have talked every day since reuniting online and in person. I came to find out that he did in fact have some feelings for me and this is where I explain that he always knew about my feelings for him. I told him that I had a secret and be beat me to the punch, he said, "I know and it's ok, put a smile on your face." I was dying. Well, for about a week he has been saying he wanted to take me out but wouldn't tell me where he was going to take me or what we were going to be doing. Then the day comes for him to come get me and nothing. I had spoken to him the night before and everything seemed to be fine. This is where I am at a loss and completely lost.

I just don't know what to think. He is not the kind of guy to stand anyone up without contacting them and saying, "Hey something came up" or "I'm not feeling well". I know this because last week we had plans for him to help me take an old exercise machine I have apart because it is broken and I need to get it to the dump. Anyway, the other thing that worries me is he is hearing impaired and his only way to commuicate other than reading lips and signing is using his little sidekick cell phone thing. He is usually always logged online even if he is not chatting, yesterday I noticed that he wasn't logged on and I figured maybe it was just because he didn't want to be bothered once he got over here to my place to pick me up. But now 24 hours later, he is still not logged on and I haven't heard anything from him since Thursday night. I am so lost, worried out of my mind and, unsure of anything right now.

So, I sit and pray...not knowing what to ask for, I just keep saying; "Please God?" I have never felt this way before. I just don't know what to do.

The word of the day is...Forgiveness

So this past Sunday, at church, the message that was given was about forgiveness. This topic is not necessarily a sore subject for me but it is one that leaves me kind of on the fence.

Anyway, after Sunday's message it got me to thinking. Ya know, I guess I haven't really forgiven people completely. Now what I mean by this is, I have in my heart and mind forgiven them but I never truly expressed it in an outward way. So I sat down the other day in between studying and working on school work and really made a mental note of who I need to forgive completely. After I made this list, I went a step further and contacted them via the internet and sent them heartfelt messages about how I needed to make a wrong right and so on. While I have yet to get any replies to these messages, I know in my heart that I have done the right thing.

But I am left with one person that I do genuinely forgive but have yet to express it in an outward manner. This person is my father. Many people are surprised to hear that I have one let alone that he is still alive. Yes, some people have been known to ask me if my father is still alive because I just simply don't talk about him in any way, shape or, form. I know it's kind of on the sad side but this how it has been for most of my life. I have a definite love/hate relationship with this man. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate him but I don't like him. I firmly believe that you must love everyone but you do not have to like them and that is where I am at with my Dad. I love him but by all accounts I do not whatsoever like him.

While I could give you a list a mile+ long, I choose not to because there is not use in wasting my time or energy on what he has done, said or, whatever to me in the last 25 years. In case anyone is wonder how come I discount 5 years off my life it is because for the first 5 years of my life, I was Daddy's Little Girl and as with many daughters the sun rose and set in my father as far as I was concerned when I was that little and didn't know who my father really was.

Anyway, I digress. The thing about expressing my forgiveness to my father in an outward manner is, he will take it and use it to his advantage and I honestly do not know how to handle this without allowing it to get to me. So that is why I have yet to express my forgiveness to him. In my heart, I know I must do this but I also know that God understands why I am holding off on this. My father is a man who is so full of pride, he done fell more than once with it and continues to do so even with his own brothers and the rest of his family. Honestly, and I don't know how he does it, but the only one who can handle my father is my brother. Somewhere in my brother's abilities, he has a keen way of handling our father that I have yet to figure out.

So that is where I am on this topic of discussion. It may never change but I still keep praying because there will always be a part of me that wants my father in my life. Just right now, it's not looking like it will happen anytime soon.