Hmmmm, my thoughts are jumbled. Some thoughts I cannot or will not even go into because they would only confuse me. I am sitting here feeling a little bit of everything. Tired, loopy (thank God for pain killers), sad, lonely...just a lot of a little of this and a little of that kind of feelings.
For the past few days or so I have been struggling with certain feelings and thoughts about something that I am not quite sure how to deal with. I have been daily trying to give it all to God but as a spiritual being with a human body, that is a daily fight. These thoughts have consumed me so much I literally wake up every night having some weird and not so weird dreams that I remember but couldn't explain even if my life depended on it. I am not sure exactly why I am experiencing these dreams much less these thoughts. I'd chalk it up to stress but I am not so sure that it is stress. It might be somewhat due to the stress of school and financial issues I am dealing with but I know it has a good deal to do with an unresolved situation.
It's a little difficult to really put it all into words. Where part of me understands it, the other part of me is still searching for more specific answers or understanding. I find myself lost in thought a lot lately. It's quite mind consuming and sometimes at the most in oppertune (sp) times.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just dealt with this in a different way and not influenced in any way by anyone. But at the same time, I remember back to that day and realize that I couldn't even put together the words I wanted to express let alone my own thoughts to collect when it all took place. Of course, we always think of the shouldas, couldas and, wouldas after all is said and done.
Now I find myself talking to the one person I swore I would never speak to again. He tells me he still loves me and I am not sure if it is wishful thinking or what it is but I think I believe him. And I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't still love him. I do still love him. Although I don't want to, I do still love him. I can't explain it but then again, can loving someone ever truly be explained?
While I honestly don't see him and I getting back together it doesn't stop from still loving him. If we did get back together, I believe it would have to be completely and totally a God thing because I don't see any other way.
Strange I guess you can say it what it is now...strange and closely coming to kind of confusing.
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2 comments:
*sigh* ahh the confusing times of life...they really make you have to hold on to HIM don't they!? :)
Very true. I think about it and where part me feels like it's time to let go, the other part of me is not quite sure. I just don't know. I am daily handing it to God.
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