Time...

Another conversation, only this time it feels different. Is it him that is different or is it me? Maybe it's just time, time to begin to let go of what once was and start to take hold of what is?? Maybe it's all of the above.

Sometimes I wish life was less of the black and white, the this or that and, the yes or no; and more of the multiple choice...like those little bubble test that we took when we were in junior high and high school. While for most of the choices we make, there is no right or wrong answer...the rest are so hard to really even look at, never mind trying to make a decision.

Sitting here I feel like a choice (not of my own doing) has been made. I sat with God today, really laid it out there for Him, even though He knows everything as it happens...before it happens and even long before it was a thought in our minds. Tonight's conversation leads me to wonder, "was my prayer answered?" I feel a sense of sadness, which in situations like this one, lets me know that my prayer was answered. This also leads me to feel utterly confused and I don't know why because as I stated in a previous post, I don't believe that he and I are meant to be together or to get back together. Maybe this is because I know it's finally over and like many people, I don't like it when things end.

So, this is what I have decided. Now I am not sure how well this is going to go because I know me and I know how I can be even after I say I am not going to or I am going to do whatever...

Anyway, after tonight's convo with the ex, I believe I need to step back from even speaking to him. While I will be civilized towards him if he should contact me, I will personally refrain from seeking him out as I have been for the last 2 evenings. I believe this will keep me focused where I need to be focused.

It's clear to me that I need to give God control but I need to help Him in order for Him to help me. I thoroughly believe that while God is the one who puts me on my destined path, I am the one who makes the choices of what my destiny will be. God gives me choices, He gives me the right ones and the wrong ones...it is up to me to make the right ones and if I should make the wrong ones, than that is when God says, "Uh! You may want try that again? Only this time let me direct you." And with that, we learn from what we did and what we should have done.

So this is what I am learning. My ex needs to remain my ex unless God clocks me over the head with a two by four and says, "Yes, it's ok. I'm in on it this time. I know it's ok." and I need to not get swept up in what once was and be involved in what is now and what will be. I am learning that although I did share some good times with Shawn, that was then and this is now. I need to seriously let go and let God, even if that is a very overly used phrase...it still reigns true.

Although I knew this and learned this particular lesson right after the break up, I really need to just be committed to God. Of course that is an all the time thing but more so now than ever before because of where I am at in my life. The enemy would love nothing more than for me to be distracted from God and my attention diverted from God. Until God gives me my partner in life and love, it has to be just me and God. NO DISTRACTIONS ALLOWED!!!

As much as I love Shawn, I must love God and myself more. My very spiritual survival depends on it.