Where is it going? I thought I let it go??? Maybe I did but for some reason because nothing is resolved, I am forced to remain in this situation that I almost reluctantly find myself in until such a moment occurs. I somehow, someway ended up in a very late night/early morning conversation with the ex.
**Side Note~ I didn't seek him out. He sent me a message online and I gave a civilized reply, hoping that it would be kept a minimum. I was nice to him, spoke what I believe was my peace and thought that it was done. ~End Side Note**
So I was just about to go to sleep when I get a text message. "Who the heck is that at this ungodly hour?" I thought to myself. Picture it, I am looking at my phone, "1 New Text Message". I flip it open, "New Message From: Shawn" Yeah, I was surprised too! Pressing ok to view the message, "Are you still up?" At this point I am not only tired and just want to go to bed, I am really unsure as to what to do. "Sort of" I replied. Moving along, rather than waste my text message limit, I opted to call him and basically tell him I am in bed and pretty much ready to close my eyes and try out this new invention called, sleep. He starts in on what happend and how he felt...blah, blah, blah...I went on to tell him for the 100th time that I know what I did was wrong but that I didn't feel 100% that what I did made me feel bad. Big mistake, this started another conversation of him wanting to know what that meant and of course at this point I was ready to say some very colorful words but I didn't.
Skipping ahead of some of the little details, this is what I told him to try and bring the conversation to a close and maybe make this whole thing end so that I can go to sleep and not have to talk to him anymore than I had. At this point, I started feeling a great deal of this and that. Aside from feeling like he was trying to put the blame of the entire situation on me, I felt like I was becoming a broken record that is also known as and called, "Beating a Dead Horse (Poor, Trigger never stood a chance). "Shawn, I realize what I did was wrong. While there is a part of me that feels bad, I am not 100% sorry for what I did. I told you from day one what I will not put up with." *I feel a Dr. Phil moment coming on* "I told you that I have trust issues that prevent me from trusting anyone 100%, especially men. Was I wrong for doing what I did? Yes. Should I have handled it in a different manner? Yes. Do I feel bad for what I did? Yes and No. I feel bad because I went behind your back without just coming to you. I don't feel bad because I had to do what I do best and that is not allow anyone to leave me feeling the way you did. You want to talk about how it made you feel doing what I did. What about how I felt and still feel? Seeing pictures of another woman's unmentionables in MY fiancee's possession doesn't exactly give me a warm an fuzzy feeling." It went on like this for a good hour or two. After a while I finally told him, "I am not expecting either of us to ever forget about this. It is humanly impossible for that to ever happen. But I would like to get a place where we can say, "I forgive you" and move on, regardless of how that happens." I went on to say, "Shawn, I forgive you and I forgive myself. I don't have it in me to remain angry with anyone. Anger is something that can make a person become someone they are not and I refuse to allow that to happen to me. I agree that we will never forget what happend but I for one would like to move on with this already."
It was 4:15am before this conversation ended and it only ended with me telling him that it was really late and I needed to get to bed. I said my good byes and hung up. Again I have to ask, where is this going?
PS: Before I forget, at one point he did mention that he had started talking to another woman not a month after we broke up...ok, so here is what I would like to know, even more than the whole where is this going, is why is he continuing on with this whole thing? The more I try to end things completely and let them go, the more insistant he is on re-hashing it. Can anyone give me a clear understanding about this? Oh and maybe some advice on what to say to him to get him to go away??? I'm doing the praying thing and the not seeking him out thing...what else is there? Do I ignore him? Which I don't necessairly feel good about, not just towards him but anyone because ignoring someone is just not my thing. Maybe I need to just tell him...is that the answer???
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2 comments:
Look, I don't know this guy, but I will tell ya this. It seems to me like this is some kind of a mind-power-struggle. Men do this...heck, women do it too. But somewhere along the way I get the feeling that he is just messing with your mind out of his own low self-esteem. After what he did, for him being so stuck on what you did, in looking out for yourself. Begs me to ask, would he have been honest if you DID come to him? You are better now...and a better woman without a manipulative man in your life. Rest in God's strength, he TRULY loves you! :)
Just what I needed to hear. After that conversation with him. I have now decided to just leave sleeping dogs lie and not address him even in a civilized manner. I will probably blog about this later after reading your word of encouragement and advice. Thanks!
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