Ok! So I didn't want to do this but the truth must come out; I need to set myself free of these thoughts that bog me down as I am trying to complete yet another school assignment. Hmmm, so here it goes....
Truth #1 - I am angry. I am angry because I still have feelings for my ex, Shawn. I don't want to have these feelings. I want them to be gone! While I have spoken to him since the break up, I really don't want anything to do with him but I can't for some unknown reason to me let him go completely. Am I a glutton for punishment? I haven't seen him, except in my dreams and I wake up even more irritated then when I first went to bed. Last night I even woke up after an hour of sleep, thinking about him. I DO NOT WANT THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD!!! I don't even understand after almost 2 months of being broken up, why I am having such thoughts now. I mean clearly I know that I am not over him or rather over the hurt. But why now? I must of suppressed them when all of this went down. I must have sub-consciously not allowed myself to think about him or the past (though it was only 4 months that we had been together). That must be it! God I just don't want to think about him like that anymore or have those feelings for him anymore.
Truth #2 - I am peeved and jealous all at the same time. I am peeved because I know someone who used an option to change their life without even putting it to better use the way it was intended to be used. Essentially making it an easy out for them and I do not think that it is fair. Ok! So I don't know if this person tried something else before the action that they took became a last resort. But I am peeved that the people who most benefit from what the person I am speaking of did, can so easily reap the benefits of it without it appears to me much work. I am jealous because I myself have worked hard to find the same results but to no avail. I am jealous because I feel like this person is unworthy of such success in what they have done to get to where they are now and where they will be. And someone I truly care about is having struggle and strive to do what needs to be done before it is deemed necessary for this option to take place. This person that I care about is someone I know will benefit from what they are doing to make their health better the right way.
Truth #3 - Although I am taught to love and accept everyone, there is one person that I cannot love or accept. I believe this person is a selfish, fake of a person. I see this person nearly every week and when I look at pictures posted online by this person, my skin crawls because my spirit sees straight through them and I don't understand how hard it is to be who God intended you to be but instead this person puts on a front and is nothing but fake. Call me judgemental but I cannot stand fake Christians. I cannot stand how they praise the Lord on Sundays and give thanks to him for answered prayers but then will flash their stuff for all to see online. I guess maybe I am become more aware of certain things that I know just aren't Godly and pleasing to God.
Truth #4 - I almost hate that I still have feelings for someone who simply cannot be mine. I say almost because I recently realized that I still have feelings for him and I know I can't but there is a part of me that doesn't care. I wish I had never walked away the day he walked up behind me and said hi. But I did and that is the price I pay for being sick and not hearing him. It is also the price I pay for not being bold and saying hi for myself, when I knew who he was after a year of being told about him and realizing it was him at the bowling alley when I first laid eyes on him and never even seeing a picture of him. But now he is engaged and I would never step over those unspoken boundaries.
Ok, so there they are. Truths that I really didn't want to admit to and will deny if I am ever asked about LOL! Seriously, though, there they are. In writing for all who read this to see.
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2 comments:
WOW...good job letting that out...that is ALWAYS healthy! Here I go:
In response to #1 - It's understandable to have feelings still lingering when there wasn't much closer due to the situation. However, at some point you will have to find the strength within you to be stronger than your thoughts. It's aways hard...but well worth it!
In response to #2 - I am not sure what has happened here...but I do know that it can be hard to see people succeed using the EASY way when it seems you are working your TAIL off. But remember the reward for your diligent efforts is worth FAR more than thier easy side streeet attempts!
In response to #3 - Talk about hard. Aren't there always people like this in life?! It seems so hard to remember the "plank" theory...there is always something in our lives we can be working on to be better Christians and until God has freed us to speak up and call someone out we have to sit by and pray that God has his way becuase remember he ALWAYS does. This persons time will come to be in front of our God and at that time they will HAVE to speak for thier actions.
In response to #4 - Ahh the one that got away. How we could kick ourselves. But remember this...at least in my personal opinion, even if we mess something up, if it is meant to be with God, there will be done what he wills. So if this door has closed for you, only to think positivily that another GREATER door may be opened for you!
Good luck letting all this settle...man dealing sucks sometimes...but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger!!
Thanks, April for your very welcoming and understanding words, in my opinion, of wisdom. I needed to hear them. I am going to have to refer back to them from time to time as a reminder. Thanks again! God Bless!!!
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