Complicated???

Ok, so last night was great! He came and got me, told me to change into something nice but not too nice. I said, "ok?". So I went to my closet as he sat on a chair in my room and I took out 2 tops that I thought would be good. He had already seen me in one of the tops and so when I asked him which one he picked the one he had yet to see me in. When I asked him about pants he said the jeans I was wearing would be fine because where we were going was nice but not fancy. He knows me too well, of how simple I am, of course he is very simple too. So I changed my top, touched up my hair and threw on a little make up. I was feeling excited and beyond HAWT! LOL!!! I couldn't imagine where we were going or what we were doing.

While I was getting ready, he went out onto the balcony to smoke a cig, yes I know "he smokes, yuck!" I don't like it but feel I have said my peace about it and will leave the rest to God and him. Anyway, I get done dollin' myself up, I go to the back door and see that he is engrossed in his sidekick. He looks up, does a double take and says, "Wow! You look great!" I said, "I'm ready!" He gets up puts out his cig and then follows me back inside. I threw on my shoes and decided I wouldn't take my purse since I didn't know where we were going. He proceeds to tell me, "you don't need any money cause I am paying". *Side note: He has this big grin on his face because for the first time he will be taking some place I have never been before I won't have to help him pay, not that I mind helping anyone because that is just me.* I had to tell him in no uncertain terms that I just wanted to make sure I had my license and bank card in case I need it. I never leave home without it. I mean you never know what could happen, no matter how much cash one has.

So, there I am trying to get completely ready to go and he is tickling me...I swear ever since he found out how ticklish I am, he has had so much fun with this. Ok, back to my great nice with Steve. We leave, he's driving...we get closer to this place and I kind of figured it out but didn't say anything. We get inside and this place is beautiful for being a place that is nice but not fancy. To me it was kind of on the fancy side. I felt like a fish out of water. Of course I always feel that way when I am in a new place. Steve took me to Lemongrass and WOW! was the food great!!! I never had real Thai food before. I mean I had the "thai food" that grocery stores sell for a quick-heat-it-up-and-go meal but never the real thing. It was awesome. We are talking, laughing and, really having a great time. Then he tells me we are going to see a movie and its my choice. Ok so I know he is secretly hoping I pick one of the many movies that he has been dying to see. Of course of those movies I pretty much also want to see them but not as much as him. We ended up seeing The Dark Knight, which I highly recommend. It was a GREAT movie.

Now I am sure you are wondering where the complicated part comes into play...it will be coming in soon...trust me, just keep reading.

So, the movie ends and we head outside for him to have another cig. He asks if I am hungry or thirsty which is code for he is thirsty or hungry. I was feeling kind of thirsty so he suggests Starbucks, I was like wow! this is a treat! We head to Starbucks just in time to get a drink and sit for a bit to talk. Then he asks if there is any other place I would like to go, I told him I pretty much don't care and so then we head to Walmart. He ended up wanting to get this thing for his car radio.

We head back to my place and the whole time I am sitting there thinking, "God, this was so perfect; this night. Could it end with a kiss?" Sadly, it didn't. Now this is where it gets complicated.

On the way to my place, he asks me "do you remember when you said that you were afraid I would disappear after I got the car?" I said, I did; how could I forget? He said, "I told you, I would still be here." I wanted to cry, I am crying now just thinking about that. The reason? Well, because when he does or says such sweet things and then I don't hear from him like he said he would text me today and didn't, I grow doubtful of these thoughts that I have been having lately about us. I won't say what but let's just say, I feel it deep in my spirit something I have never felt before.

For me, I don't understand. I know, I know he is a guy and like most guys they go off in their world without much thought to anything else. But Steve is not like your typical guy, the proof is in the puddin' I am tellin' ya. So part of me is worried, even though I am sure he is fine and the other part is, well...asking, why is so complicated even though he is not a typical guy??? I mean, his actions speak louder than his words when he says that we are just friends for the time being. Seriously do just friends tickle and tease the way he tickles and teases me or the way I tease and try to tickle him but I end up just poking him or play grab at his butt and he doesn't push me away? I mean we haven't even kissed much less held hands. I will tell you that in the beginning he and I did kind of get into a playful cuddle fest thing but nothing like that since...sort of. See what I mean? COM-PLI-CA-TED!!! LOL!!!

Someone anyone give me a little insight or should I just let things be and continue to go with the flow???? Am I wrong in thinking that he likes me but is not ready to admit it??? I swear I feel like I am in high school all over again but not in a bad way, I actually like it...at least for now LOL!!!

It's a new month...

Where is the time going? I can't even believe that we are already into a new month. It seems just like yesterday that I was starting another year of college and learned that I am going to be aunt 3 times over. *Side Note: My sis in law, Courtney, felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday. Now it feels even more real to us all.*

I sit and think about the months that have passed and what has taken place over that time. It's hard to believe that another birthday will be in clear sight for me in 4 months. It's hard to believe that I am going to be graduating in a little over a month.

Do you ever feel like, life is going by so fast, that you wonder how much you missed of it? I do. In the times that I am doing something important or not so important, I wonder what I am missing, if anything? But that is in my opinion how life is at times. While you are still living life, you are also missing other parts of it.

I don't know where I am going with this, I guess more or less this was just a thought going through my head that needed to be written out.

I must be dreaming....

Ok! So I know that in this world and in the day and age that we are living in, things are going to happen that and many others are not going to agree with. I seriously think that I must have been dreaming when I read a report that states that OUR wonderful President has ok'd the execution of an Army soldier. Yeah! I read the report and I know what it says. But who on God's green earth died and left the president judge, jury and, executioner? Or better yet, who left him God?

Let me take a few steps back here...cause I know that this topic of discussion is going to get deep or can get deep depending on the people who are talking about it. I know this topic of discussion brings up more thoughts than just the fact the Bushy is using his power to kill a man and everything else in between. I really don't have too many thoughts on the dealth penalty because there are so many different circumstances that make different situations call for someone to die and others don't....it's a double-edged sword if you ask me.

I am not sure if I am making much sense here...I guess my main point that I am trying to make is how this is ok? Here is the report for those interested in knowing more...and maybe can understand my confusing soapbox vent.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080728/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_military_execution

Tattoos, School and, Everything else...

Life continues...

I am 19 er 18 days away from completing school. I still can't believe it. Sometimes I will wake up after a long night of papers and studying; I will wonder "Did I really do it? Did I really get through 2+ years of college?" It amazes me. BUT I could not have done it without God, my family and, friends. There is one thing that bothers me about this though is that my brother, Jeremy and his wife, Courtney along with their kids cannot come and join in on the trip to see me get my degree because of financial reasons; neither will my Aunt Jo, who is no longer living or even my best friend, Kellie. It saddens me.

This is where the tattoos come in. I am getting a memorial tattoo in memory of my Aunt Jo. This way a little piece of her will be with me on that day. I will also carry a picture of my brother and his little family with me; as well as a picture of my best friend. This way, I can have something of everyone with me. Going back to the tattoo, Steve asked if he could sketch out a drawing for my tattoo. I just know when I see it, I will cry and I know that I will be crying as the tattoo is being done; not from pain but from because of what it will represent for me.

Ok, new topic...starting to get teary eyed.

So, today I got to see Steve...it's exactly what I needed after the last few days I have had. I think he realized that I have been missing him and that is making me feel very good that he is thinking about me in such a way. I needed this too. He really is a one of kind and I thank God for him everyday.

Speaking of Steve, he mentioned that my surprise will be coming soon. I, of course, am dying to know what it is. And he, of course, is not saying a word. Oh! Actually he did say that it is something I have never done before...but something tells me he is trying to keep me guessing and just saying that.

As for everything else, it's all good. I sometimes can't believe my life. It's not perfect but it's amazingly blessed.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed.

Steve's Birthday and some random rambling

Well, it didn't go off without a hitch but at least he didn't suspect anything really which means I can pull of a surprise (somewhat). As it turned out he walked in where everything was waiting for him as I was waiting for people to show up and let them in without him seeing. That didn't really work out. His Mom and brother were there and a few people from his work came over to that side of the bowling ally that we were at and wished him a happy birthday. But those that I invited did not come. While it was good, it was kind of a bust. He was surprised and enjoyed it, which is all that matters but it would have still been nice to have the rest of his friends show up. Anyway, all is good.

Aside from that, I have been thinking a lot about things. Mostly what is going on with Steve. I know, I know...not that again!!! I can't help it. Lately I have seen very little of him. Not for any reason but because he is now working 2 jobs and by the time the weekend comes he has other things to do that he used to be able to do during the day before he had to go to work. This essentially means little to no time with Steve. I miss him and he doesn't even know it because I feel like I can't tell him this. The reason, he is always reminding me that we are friends for the time being and I do not want overstep and boundaries, whether I know what and where they are or not. I refuse to say anything or do anything without knowing it is going to be accepted. Most recently I have noticed though that he has be getting more touchy feely; its mostly just a quick rub on the back or a gentle rub on my arm. And then there are times when we link arms together. So I know where I can go with that and what I can do with that but it's the other things that I am not sure of. Like telling him I miss him. Would that be too much? Would I overstep any boundaries in saying that? These and many other questions race through my head, not just for the whole, telling him I miss him thing but other things too.

Lately, I have found myself wondering about something. It's one of those what ifs that floats about and lands from time to time, just long enough for me to think about. I have been wondering about what if he gets to comfortable with being my friend, "for the time being", that he doesn't want to take it further??? I still think about his words, "when the time is right, you will get a surprise" or something like that. I think about them because I wonder if maybe that is my surprise for him to tell me that he wants to be more than friends and be bf/gf.

I am starting to feel like a high school girl...and while I know it's not a bad thing especially when it comes to keeping my cool when I am around him, I really don't want to be this way. I'm chalking it up to stress and being tired, along with missing Steve.

Anyway, I am going to bed...

2 months....

2 months ago, I reunited with someone I never imagined I would ever see again. Someone I fondly thought of often and someone I knew I would never forget if I never saw him again. Steve back into my life at what I consider to be the best time. You see I had been asking God is show me my self worth since I had broken up with Stupid...er I mean, Shawn. Through my family I could see glimpses but not quite everything I needed to see. I am a firm believer in you are a reflection of the people around you and so I know that I am a good person, daughter, sister, aunt and, friend; I deserve the best that God can and has given me. However, there was that part of me that was still lost.

I want to say about a month or so before I met Steve again, I realized that kind of woman I wanted to be as far as purity goes. And when I say purity, I do not strictly mean in the physical sense; i.e. sexually. I mean completely! Body, Mind, Heart and, Spirit; not just to myself and for myself but to and for God; as well as whoever my husband will be. I have even gone so far as to wear a purity ring that simply states, "True Love Waits". Then I met Steve again. Steve has got to be the most spirit filled, God-loving and believing man I have ever met in a very long time. Now that is not to say that he is perfect, I am still praying for him to come to church with me or at least get into a church once again, that is just to say that I believe God truly knew the kind of man and friend I would need in my life when Steve came back into my life. Please do not confuse that last thought. I am not stating that Steve is my man, I am just stating the kind of man he is.

After meeting Steve again, I began to see the lost part of me that I have been searching to see. God showed me more of the kind of woman I want to be, a virtuous woman. When I am around Steve, I can honestly say that I see God in him. I not only see God I can feel him with us. And when I look at Steve, I see my reflection. I see that part of me that I never saw before with the other men that I have dated, been friends with or, most recently engaged to. I now know that I was nothing more to them than a "time killer" or shamefully, a "play thing". Actually, I learned this lesson not too long after I ended the engagement to my last mistake or rather lesson learned. It was just confirmed through God bringing Steve back into my life over the past 2 months or a little more acutally by now as I type this. But who is counting? LOL!!! Oh Heck! I am, I like the man and I don't care who knows it or care if I am counting the days since we reunited. LOL!!!

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to convey here is that I am without a doubt blessed to have such a great friend boy. And I hope if it is God's Will that we can share the rest of our lives together, regardless of the "titles" we share, i.e. Boyfriend/Girlfriend or whatever.

Lights, Camera...God?

After reading SCL's recent blog it got me to thinking about my recent visit to a church I once attended. I wonder sometimes if God is impressed with all the glammed and hyped up services that some Churches have. Now I am in no way judging anyone or any church. I am simply stating a thought that I have been having since Sunday.

I haven't been to this church in a very long time and only went because I was invited by my friend boy, Steve's Mom who still attends the church. It saddens me that Steve's Mom is still attending this church and in all honesty, I feel like she is a lamb being led to the slaughter house. I know I cannot pass judgement onto her or anyone else I know that still attends this church but I can't help but remember when I first saw things as they really are at this church. Again, I am not trying to pass judgement but how can this not be seen for what it really is? Or maybe I am wrong to think this?

I don't know, I still have to wonder though...is God impressed with the lights and over-abundance of extravagant praise and worship when all He wants is us to spend time with Him? I mean I know that in the bible it states that even the rocks praise him...so I know nothing is unusual per say when it comes to praising and worshipping God.