Tattoos, School and, Everything else...

Life continues...

I am 19 er 18 days away from completing school. I still can't believe it. Sometimes I will wake up after a long night of papers and studying; I will wonder "Did I really do it? Did I really get through 2+ years of college?" It amazes me. BUT I could not have done it without God, my family and, friends. There is one thing that bothers me about this though is that my brother, Jeremy and his wife, Courtney along with their kids cannot come and join in on the trip to see me get my degree because of financial reasons; neither will my Aunt Jo, who is no longer living or even my best friend, Kellie. It saddens me.

This is where the tattoos come in. I am getting a memorial tattoo in memory of my Aunt Jo. This way a little piece of her will be with me on that day. I will also carry a picture of my brother and his little family with me; as well as a picture of my best friend. This way, I can have something of everyone with me. Going back to the tattoo, Steve asked if he could sketch out a drawing for my tattoo. I just know when I see it, I will cry and I know that I will be crying as the tattoo is being done; not from pain but from because of what it will represent for me.

Ok, new topic...starting to get teary eyed.

So, today I got to see Steve...it's exactly what I needed after the last few days I have had. I think he realized that I have been missing him and that is making me feel very good that he is thinking about me in such a way. I needed this too. He really is a one of kind and I thank God for him everyday.

Speaking of Steve, he mentioned that my surprise will be coming soon. I, of course, am dying to know what it is. And he, of course, is not saying a word. Oh! Actually he did say that it is something I have never done before...but something tells me he is trying to keep me guessing and just saying that.

As for everything else, it's all good. I sometimes can't believe my life. It's not perfect but it's amazingly blessed.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed.

Steve's Birthday and some random rambling

Well, it didn't go off without a hitch but at least he didn't suspect anything really which means I can pull of a surprise (somewhat). As it turned out he walked in where everything was waiting for him as I was waiting for people to show up and let them in without him seeing. That didn't really work out. His Mom and brother were there and a few people from his work came over to that side of the bowling ally that we were at and wished him a happy birthday. But those that I invited did not come. While it was good, it was kind of a bust. He was surprised and enjoyed it, which is all that matters but it would have still been nice to have the rest of his friends show up. Anyway, all is good.

Aside from that, I have been thinking a lot about things. Mostly what is going on with Steve. I know, I know...not that again!!! I can't help it. Lately I have seen very little of him. Not for any reason but because he is now working 2 jobs and by the time the weekend comes he has other things to do that he used to be able to do during the day before he had to go to work. This essentially means little to no time with Steve. I miss him and he doesn't even know it because I feel like I can't tell him this. The reason, he is always reminding me that we are friends for the time being and I do not want overstep and boundaries, whether I know what and where they are or not. I refuse to say anything or do anything without knowing it is going to be accepted. Most recently I have noticed though that he has be getting more touchy feely; its mostly just a quick rub on the back or a gentle rub on my arm. And then there are times when we link arms together. So I know where I can go with that and what I can do with that but it's the other things that I am not sure of. Like telling him I miss him. Would that be too much? Would I overstep any boundaries in saying that? These and many other questions race through my head, not just for the whole, telling him I miss him thing but other things too.

Lately, I have found myself wondering about something. It's one of those what ifs that floats about and lands from time to time, just long enough for me to think about. I have been wondering about what if he gets to comfortable with being my friend, "for the time being", that he doesn't want to take it further??? I still think about his words, "when the time is right, you will get a surprise" or something like that. I think about them because I wonder if maybe that is my surprise for him to tell me that he wants to be more than friends and be bf/gf.

I am starting to feel like a high school girl...and while I know it's not a bad thing especially when it comes to keeping my cool when I am around him, I really don't want to be this way. I'm chalking it up to stress and being tired, along with missing Steve.

Anyway, I am going to bed...

2 months....

2 months ago, I reunited with someone I never imagined I would ever see again. Someone I fondly thought of often and someone I knew I would never forget if I never saw him again. Steve back into my life at what I consider to be the best time. You see I had been asking God is show me my self worth since I had broken up with Stupid...er I mean, Shawn. Through my family I could see glimpses but not quite everything I needed to see. I am a firm believer in you are a reflection of the people around you and so I know that I am a good person, daughter, sister, aunt and, friend; I deserve the best that God can and has given me. However, there was that part of me that was still lost.

I want to say about a month or so before I met Steve again, I realized that kind of woman I wanted to be as far as purity goes. And when I say purity, I do not strictly mean in the physical sense; i.e. sexually. I mean completely! Body, Mind, Heart and, Spirit; not just to myself and for myself but to and for God; as well as whoever my husband will be. I have even gone so far as to wear a purity ring that simply states, "True Love Waits". Then I met Steve again. Steve has got to be the most spirit filled, God-loving and believing man I have ever met in a very long time. Now that is not to say that he is perfect, I am still praying for him to come to church with me or at least get into a church once again, that is just to say that I believe God truly knew the kind of man and friend I would need in my life when Steve came back into my life. Please do not confuse that last thought. I am not stating that Steve is my man, I am just stating the kind of man he is.

After meeting Steve again, I began to see the lost part of me that I have been searching to see. God showed me more of the kind of woman I want to be, a virtuous woman. When I am around Steve, I can honestly say that I see God in him. I not only see God I can feel him with us. And when I look at Steve, I see my reflection. I see that part of me that I never saw before with the other men that I have dated, been friends with or, most recently engaged to. I now know that I was nothing more to them than a "time killer" or shamefully, a "play thing". Actually, I learned this lesson not too long after I ended the engagement to my last mistake or rather lesson learned. It was just confirmed through God bringing Steve back into my life over the past 2 months or a little more acutally by now as I type this. But who is counting? LOL!!! Oh Heck! I am, I like the man and I don't care who knows it or care if I am counting the days since we reunited. LOL!!!

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to convey here is that I am without a doubt blessed to have such a great friend boy. And I hope if it is God's Will that we can share the rest of our lives together, regardless of the "titles" we share, i.e. Boyfriend/Girlfriend or whatever.

Lights, Camera...God?

After reading SCL's recent blog it got me to thinking about my recent visit to a church I once attended. I wonder sometimes if God is impressed with all the glammed and hyped up services that some Churches have. Now I am in no way judging anyone or any church. I am simply stating a thought that I have been having since Sunday.

I haven't been to this church in a very long time and only went because I was invited by my friend boy, Steve's Mom who still attends the church. It saddens me that Steve's Mom is still attending this church and in all honesty, I feel like she is a lamb being led to the slaughter house. I know I cannot pass judgement onto her or anyone else I know that still attends this church but I can't help but remember when I first saw things as they really are at this church. Again, I am not trying to pass judgement but how can this not be seen for what it really is? Or maybe I am wrong to think this?

I don't know, I still have to wonder though...is God impressed with the lights and over-abundance of extravagant praise and worship when all He wants is us to spend time with Him? I mean I know that in the bible it states that even the rocks praise him...so I know nothing is unusual per say when it comes to praising and worshipping God.

4 and a half more weeks!!!

I am soooooo excited!!!! I am literally weeks away from being done with the bachelor's degree program!!!! I officially do not graduate until September 26th. I am going to Colorado to participate in the grounds ceremony. First time on a plane and first time ever off the east coast. Yeah! I am excited!!!!

He is too cute for words....

I have to say that even in the mist of the crap that life throws at me, I truly do love life and the little moments that pop up when I least expect them.

So let me give you a quick background...

My BFFL, Kellie has this great moments that I like to call, "Kellie-isms". These are the moments where someone might say something like, "I wonder what so and so would say if you asked them this or said that?" and then before you know it, she is off on her cell phone texting whoever and throwing her little twist into the mix of whatever was said and making it all her own. This is just another reason why I love her. Then before long there is an endless moment of laughter and joy from the outcome of Kellie's "Kellie-isms".

Anyway, we had one of these moments last night after we got in from bible study. I happen to mention that I wonder if Steve is going to miss me when he starts his new job and we won't be spending nearly as much as time together as we have been, which I knew was bound to happen sooner or later and I admit I was being a bit selfish when I had a little hope that it would later rather than sooner but of course, you know this would not happen. Kellie takes it a step further and texts him again after she text Steve for me the first time since I was driving to let him know that I was going to stop by his work after I left Kellie's to drop something off to him and she basically asked him, in her own special way if he is going to miss spending time with me. Imagine my surprise when he replies with, "I will make it happen. But right now I want to get my priorities straight before I take the relationship any deeper." Can we say OMG?!?!?!?!??? Kellie was like, "I told you he likes you..." Which I kind of already knew but really wanted to know from him because he is the only one that can confirm or deny his feelings, right? Anyway, Kellie didn't want him to think that I had put her up to anything so she texts him back to let him know that I don't know anything that they are talking about; which yes I know is a lie but believe me when I say, I don't want to do anything that will remotely ever come close to scaring him away...you know us women, we have a way of doing something we don't necessarily mean to do but we somehow, someway find a way to do that something anyway.

Ok, so today I wanted to see what would happen if I mentioned anything from last that was said. I send Steve a message "playing dumb" but to no avail. I never got a reply. I am not sure what happened there but I have gotten used to him not getting back to me right away. Anyway, he finally gets back to me and after getting through the different things that he asked me about, I went on to ask him again what was said. Ok so get this! He totally lies to me!!! LOL!!! But not like a bad lie more like a "I know what was said but I don't want you to know that I know what was said" kind of lie or stretch of the truth. The funniest part, I don't even think he realizes that I know what was said. I tell ya, he is too cute for words...

I just thought I would share that.

The Plan

So, I am planning a birthday surprise for my friend boy, Steve. His birthday is in a matter of weeks and although I have most of it planned out and ready to go, the rest of this plan and is still floating up in the air and I am FA-REEKING OUT!!!! I have never done something like this before. Fortunately I have a friend of his in on the plan but I am still not sure if I will be able to pull it off. I am wondering if I shouldn't get Kellie in on it because she is the best at pulling stuff like this off. I am not sure. I am running into on problem though and I am wondering how I am going to figure it out. He has this favorite flavor cake that I would really like to get if possible, the only other person that knows that this is his fave cake is his Dad but I am not sure how I will get a hold of him without Steve knowing.

I have much left to do and it feels like very little time to get it all planned out. OY FEY! Surprises are fun to give but not always easy to plan.