Warning!!! Do not read if you can't handle TMI!!!

If you read this much, do not say I didn't warn you. What you are about to read may and can be considered TMI...you have been warned!!! LOL!!!

So, here it goes....I went to my gyno this morning, what I was "suffering" from when I went to the ER on Monday is known as "Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding". All my "cycle" life, since about 12, I have never had in between bleeding and to say that it freaked me out is putting it mildly. Since Sunday eveningish, I was at a loss. I kid you not, I had a mini nervous breakdown because of this and of course there was really nothing I could do except wait until Monday morning before I could call the Dr. to find out what he/she told me to do. Well, I am self-pay, aka uninsured. I ended up speaking to the nurse who told me to go to the ER because if there is something really wrong I would already be there and not have to worry about going to them just to find out I had to go to the hospital. Well, 7 hours later and several times asked if I might be pregnant, all the tests and such taken come back negatory and while I am relieved; I am still unsure what it going on. Mind you I am still bleeding and I don't know about any other women but I don't like having my actual period let alone have this business going on. Skipping ahead...

I went to a new gyno this morning, my old one moved away and shamefully I admit it has been that long since I have been to see a gyno, and well, to say the least, I know that this was God's way of telling me that I need to start taking care of myself better. Well, I got the hint and will be doing that from now on.

As a result of today, my new gyno believes that everything should be ok but from now on, and I can't even believe it myself, I have to keep a diary of my *ahem* womanly stuff and how I feel during that time of the month and how I am feeling. To say the least this is something new for me and will take some time to get used to.

Vent #1

This blog should not be confused with my gripe blogs, I totally feel that gripes are completely different from vents.

Anyway, so what is my first vent??? Ok, so I have had a medical issue that totally threw me for a loop and it's not even the middle of the week yet. Yesterday after my wonderful 7 hours in the ER and knowing that as of right now, I have really nothing to be too concerned with because the tests results came back negative, I had told my sis in law that I would still be over to help with the twins the next day (today). But when I woke up, I felt like mack truck had just completely made road kill out of me. I didn't want to bail on my sis in law but I just knew that I couldn't make it. I ended up waking up around 7am and called my sis in law to let her know that I would not be over and that was really sorry but I felt just awful. I could tell that she wasn't pleased by this but honestly, I just couldn't push myself. Even now I feel like someone is trying to rip my uterus out through my nose. Well, anyway...Mom gets home does her thing, then calls to make sure that Courtney was ok since I had not made it over today. Mom could tell that she wasn't happy and made the conversation short and sweet. Then she called my brother because she wanted to let him know something about the accident she had a few months ago. Well, while on the phone, she mentioned something about me feeling bad about not making it today to help with the twins and not really knowing what he was saying I could hear just going off about it. Now in his defense he did say from what Mom told me that he didn't want to upset me. However, it still does not because of what he said but because 1) Courtney, in my opinion, has no reason to cop and attitude when she knew that I had been in the ER and even though I thought I would be ok, I wasn't. I would think she would be understanding of this. 2) My brother is apparently taking her side, not even giving way to the fact that I was in the ER. 3) Apparently I was supposed to know how I was going to feel this morning 4) Apparently, an hour and a half is "last minute" and I should have given her more notice 5) I am starting to feel more like a babysitter/employee (not getting paid) than the Aunt, which is completely unfair.

To say the least, I am tired and very frustrated. I have been praying since this all went down. But honestly, my physical discomfort is taking over my brain.

I think I am going to lay down now. Thanks for letting me vent.

I can't win for losing....

Ok, God??? I am still trusting there is a reason for this but would really like a clue or hint of some kind that there is a light at the end of this tunnel cause I sure as heck can't see it. I spent all day in the hospital yesterday, leading me to know that as of right now there is nothing to be concerned with but I am left to wonder how on your green earth I am going pay for these unexpected and most assuredly unwanted bills????

I just got off the phone with the dept of mental and health care services, trying to see if I can't get medical assistance, only to be told that I would be automaticall denied because my Mom claimed me as a dependant this year on her taxes. I seriously feel like I am running into brick wall after brick wall. I understand that with being a full-time student, I made my choice not to work until I am done with the Bach. Program but I need a break. I honestly, don't care what it might mean as long as it is your Will, God. I will always need you in the good times and bad, right now being the bad and I really cannot stress it enough how much I need you now. I continue to put my trust and faith in you but I have to be honest, I am running low on both of these things.

The emotional, mental and, physical stress of everything is burying me alive and it's only because I have my eyes focused on you that allows me to remain in your presence and remain alive to you. Please help me God???? Please???

I need a break...

So today was not a good day. I spent it in the ER. The cause of the visit, kind of personal, but suffice it say, at least I think I know what it is not. Now I have see a specialist of sorts to find out what is causing this issue.

With a day like this, I seriously need a break...well, too tired to continue. Night.

The Blog about Nothing wrapped up in Something

I can't help but think about something quite important to me. Love. There are so many ways to define Love. You can love how something smells so good, like fresh cut grass in the spring/summer time. You can love your siblings, like a fat kid loves cake *I am always saying that to my brother, "I love ya like a fat kid loves cake."* And you can love God with all of your heart, mind and, soul.

There is the kind of love that I have yet to experience and long to discover. The love of a husband, my own of course (LOL!). I look around and see so many husbands loving their wives and I am filled with joy and a little envy. My brother and his wife, my best friend's parents who have been married for almost 33 years, I believe is what she told me when I asked and, the impending marriage of my best friend, Kellie and her fiancee, Mike. Now I know, it's not always a bed of roses in marriage but my God the love that I see, it's amazingly beautiful to me. While I am accepting of the fact that I may never get married, because well, some people that is their lot in life (chosen or accepted that way), I still long for the love of a husband.

I have asked and continue to ask, being as specific as possible without putting God in a box, for a husband, as God's word says, "We have not because we ask not." and I imagine God sitting right next me saying, "He is almost ready, just give me a little more time." So I wait. I am not saying, I am a very patient person, I have my moments of, "I want it now" but I still wait. Who knows, maybe I already know him and God is still working on the whole process, changing me, changing him...making that moment as perfect as possible.

For all I know, the man God has for me is not saved yet and as I have asked God for him to be saved. I have been in those "unevenly yoked" relationships and they are hard to deal with let alone be in. For all I know, God has him right there but it is me who is not ready according to God's perspective. Either way, I will...wait. And as I wait, I will grow closer to God as close as I can and just live my life until that day comes.

Accepting what is and embracing what isn't...

I just got in from bible study, ok well I just got in from Kellie's house after we got out of bible study. I tell ya, it's amazing how much an hour can change things; especially my perspective. Right now we are studying, "Experiencing God" and this study is very intense, I highly recommend it but warn anyone who does it be prepared to be in it for a little over a year because you need that much time for it all to be absorbed into your mind and more than that your spirit.

Anyway, I totally understand why I am in the place I am at even if I am not 100% happy about it. Did God say I would always be happy? No, He just said, he would take care of me and that I just have to trust Him. It's clear to me that I have to find a way to see God in everything. I need to pray more...even be in His word more, I know that will help me. It just gets hard to stay on top of these outlets, for lack of a better way of putting it. The bible study helps but I want more for myself on a personal level with God.

I want...

While there is, I think, there is nothing wrong with being seen as sexy I really want to be seen as beautiful. There is something more meaningful with being beautiful and being seen as beautiful. Maybe I am seen as beautiful...but when I hear sexy, I just cringe. I am not sure why but that thought, those words just sends chills up my back and I want to rip my skin off. Am I being silly here? Is there something wrong with me? Am I being too picky or demanding on what I want to hear and been seen as?

I just see something different and more virtuous in the idea and words of being beautiful.